Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘embarrassment

Posted on: May 24, 2010

Today, I had an exam. It went very badly. On my way to the exam hall I just kept thinking about my family and how disappointed they’ll be. How much they must wish they could trade me for someone better. And I started getting a little watery-eyed. Read the rest of this entry »

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I am struggling, really quite a lot.

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Flux

Posted on: February 15, 2010

I can’t decide what to do.

One minute I’m thinking, best to do what people tell me to do. Go to the doctor. Go back to the mental health advisor. Talk, talk, talk. Leave uni. Go home. Be completely smothered. Keep trying to be okay.

The next I’m thinking, fuck that. I don’t need any help. Just shut up, get my head down. Quickly write a few essays, prove to everyone that I’m perfectly fine as I am.

The next I’m thinking, but I can’t. The only answer is to kill myself, because life is unbearable, and no amount of talking or pretending is going to stop that.

I’ve spent my whole life wishing I could turn back time. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been thinking, “if I could just rewind, I could do everything differently, and then life would be okay”. Thinking, “if I’d known this was how things would turn out, I wouldn’t have acted the way I did”, and desperately wishing there’d be some way to go back, to erase it all and start again.

Accepting that that’s not possible means dealing with the complete and utter mess that my life is now. It means dealing with the fact that I’m going to have to live with myself forever. And it’s fucking hard. I’m so excruciatingly embarrassed by everything I’ve ever said and done. I just want to scratch it all away, tear it all apart, screw it all up and throw it as far away from me as I can.

I look at my life and I can’t deal with it, and I don’t want it. I need to get away from it, I need to detach myself from it, but it’s not possible. I’m going to be carrying every humiliating word and action around with me for the rest of my life, and I’m going to be adding more and more to them and I hate it, I want everything to be erased, I want to start again, I want to be a blank page, a clean slate, a tabula rasa. But it’s just not fucking possible, and knowing that makes me want to tear myself to pieces and drown the past in blood.

The longer I live, the more I add to this ever-growing litany of humiliations.

I just want to cut myself free, but I don’t know how to without dying, and so much of the time I’m thinking it’s probably worth it. I can’t live, when living means being constantly suffocated by all the things I ever should, or even just could,  have done differently.

Alright

Posted on: December 6, 2009

Things are a bit better now. I’m thinking more clearly.

My head is no longer screaming at me that I have to die. I don’t really have much of a clue about how I’m going to go about living, but at least my thoughts don’t consist of a loop of “KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF! KILL YOURSELF!” anymore.

Last night I took rather a lot of sleeping pills. Not really with suicidal intentions, just with the desire to get some actual rest – even when I do sleep these days, it’s light, fitful, restless – and to just stop, just not be for a while. Then things started to get fuzzy and I pretty much had a panic attack, thinking I’d taken too many and I was going to die. I stayed awake as long as I could, then finally passed out and slept away most of the day. I’m such a moron.

But I’m okay. A little quiet. A little frightened. But calmer. Thinking more like a human.

I emailed my course co-ordinator, asking for an extension on the coursework. Now that I think of it, I’m really nervous as to how she’ll reply. I really hope she doesn’t ask to see me, because I don’t think I can face telling the truth. If I can’t have an extension – and why should I? I don’t have any evidence, I can’t prove any of this is happening – then I’ll just do the coursework as soon as I can and accept the cut in marks for lateness without complaining. It’s mostly laziness and stupidity, why I haven’t done it, anyway, so in all honesty I don’t deserve an extension.

I need to get back in the habit of doing things. I need to really try this week, so I can go in to the Christmas holidays without too much pressure.

I’m really embarrassed by how I’ve fucked up these past few weeks. And I say I’m alright now, but I’m only alright in that I’m not obsessing over killing myself. I still feel about three seconds away from tears, I still feel scared of speaking to anybody. I’m still exhausted, worried, overwhelmed.

It’s difficult, having accepted that I’m not going to kill myself, to then start trying to just slot back into my life. I still feel so fragile. But there’s no room, no time to try to get my head round this, to try to build on feeling slightly better. I’m scared that it’s too late to start trying to fix all the things I’ve broken.

I’m sorry. I’m just feeling vulnerable. I don’t really see how I can possibly get my life back on track.

Oh dear.

Posted on: January 6, 2009

My mood was quite high last night.

I made a total fool of myself. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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