Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘education

The room is full of them.

Read the rest of this entry »

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…begins now.

No more lying around doing nothing when there are things to do.

No more constant crying and fantasising about suicide.

I’ll do my coursework. I’ll accept the cut in marks for it being late.

I’ll go to lectures and seminars.

I’ll try to do some reading.

I’ll try to find a way to actually sleep, before my brain explodes.

I might even make a counselling appointment. Maybe they will help me sort out my university problems, which are rapidly spiralling out of control.

And it’s written down, now, so I have to do it. And I’m not going to delete it or make it private so I get to ignore it. It’s here, now. No backing out.

Right.

Shit.

I am holding things together. Just about.

I feel, very much, like I’m one of those people who walks on tightropes for a living. Or for fun (weirdos). You know, all I’m doing is walking in a straight line, it should be easy, but one misstep and everything is irretrievably lost. And every time I actually think about what I’m doing, I panic and start screaming (only in my head, you’ll be pleased to know), “DEATH! DEATH! DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!” Read the rest of this entry »

ARGH!

Posted on: October 27, 2009

Just imagine it; me, running along. Flailing. Screaming. Forever, and ever, and ever.

Coming soon to a street near you. Read the rest of this entry »

I can’t stop thinking about the person I used to be.

I know it’s stupid, and not particularly helpful. Maybe if I could forget what it was like to be happy then I could learn to accept that this is all there is now. But I hold on, so desperately, to these memories, because they are all I have left of my life. Read the rest of this entry »

So, I got up, today. I’d only had about three hours’ sleep, and much of the morning was spent in a bit of a daze, but nonetheless, let it be noted that I did in fact get up.

I even managed a quick trip to town, although I felt very awkward surrounded by so many people, and kept feeling like I was going to throw up, especially on the bus.

But yes. Focus on the positives. Got out of bed. Went to town. Even did a little bit of work for my lecture tomorrow afternoon. And I went to a talk for the volunteering unit, and I want to sign up, make a better go of it than I did last year, but I can’t help but feel like the same thing will happen again – it will fall by the wayside as I try to keep my life on track.

I also got an email from my department, asking about the things I missed last Friday. They want me to fill in the online form to explain my absence. It’s mostly just ticking boxes, but if you tick ‘Illness’ then you have to explain, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how to explain the damage a night without sleep can do, when you’ve spent three years not getting much sleep and, more specifically, the past couple of weeks getting hardly any at all. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being so depressed you can’t move, of being so sure you’re going to die that nothing matters, that you might as well miss everything, because you won’t have a future to face it. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that doesn’t sound ridiculous, anyway. Especially not in 255 characters.

So I’ll probably just put the wonderfully vague ‘Personal Problems’ – which doesn’t ask for an explanation – and hope they don’t ask questions. It’s not really a lie, I suppose. In many ways it feels like less of a lie than ‘Illness’ does.

I hate the feeling of constantly having to justify myself, to explain to people that I’m not a stupid, lazy idiot, when most of the time I feel like I am a stupid, lazy idiot anyway.

I’ve got that job interview tomorrow. Then a lecture. Then another volunteering talk.

I just want to curl up and hide away.

 

Edit: Slept for, I think, two and a half hours in the early hours of this morning. Got up, dressed, went to interview. Managed, I think, to do a passable imitation of myself. Whether that’s good enough, I don’t know, but I doubt it. Tried, anyway, which is something, at least (when the alarm went off I spent about 10 minutes arguing with myself in my head about whether or not I should even bother going). I was going to do the writing task for the other job I’ve applied for now, but I’m just so exhausted, and I don’t think I’m really at my best for it. So I’m going to have a lie down for an hour or so – I know I shouldn’t, and it probably fucks up my sleep even more, but when I’ve reached the point where the world is fuzzy and every time I speak to someone they look at me like what I’ve just said is the least appropriate thing ever (so no, perhaps the interview didn’t go brilliantly), I really do just need to have a bit of a lie-down. Then I’ll get up and do some preparation for my lecture, then I’ll go to my lecture. Then I’ll have two hours – I’ll do the writing task then if I feel more human, or perhaps later this evening. It has to be done by tomorrow. Anyway, at 6 I have another volunteering talk. And some time today I could really do with doing some preparation for my seminar tomorrow.

I am sorry, I am rambling. That’s my update, anyway. My mood has, perhaps, lifted a little, but I’m so incredibly tired that I’m feeling more spaced out than anything (closely followed by the vague frustration of how I can get tireder and tireder and still not be able to sleep).

I’m trying to get through today. Sooner or later I have to start thinking about tomorrows, but I’m trying to get the hang of todays first.

 

EditEdit: Argh. Actually slept for a little while, missed the beginning of my lecture. As, I suppose, any idiot who was running on more sleep than only that which is strictly necessary to remain alive would know. Good things: did writing task, went to talk. Now I’m going to have food, curl up with a book for the evening, take some sleeping pills, hope they work, and get up in the morning for all the things I have to do tomorrow. Argh.

I’m so tempted to pack up my belongings, throw away my textbooks and call up my parents and ask them to take me home. Then spend the next few weeks, months, years – however long it takes – curled up in my bed and just forgetting. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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