Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Everything is so incredibly awesome.

It needs to be written, I need a record, I need to be able to remember this, although of course I never do, even when it is written, but I have to try.

I got the result for the presentation I did a couple of weeks ago – the one that I almost completely fucked up by leaving everything to the very last minute, because I’m a knob – and I got 63%. Which will do very nicely, thank you very much. Strangely, I’ve been doing quite well this term. Which is baffling, as I’m still as inconsistent as ever. And I did miss a test last week, which might be a bit of a problem.

But it doesn’t matter. Because right now, everything is amazing.

Everybody’s gone home for Christmas, so I’ve mostly been entertaining myself. I’ve been working the past  couple of days, without which I think I’d probably very quickly go insane because I’d have no-one to talk to.

And I’ve been talking to friends from home. I say ‘talking’, it’s pretty much just been on the internet. And I’ve been laughing so hard. Today, someone I know made a small typing error in his Facebook status. OH, you think. HOW TERRIBLY EXCITING. Weird thing is, it kind of was. My friend and I managed to comment on it 29 times between us, each comment being a different pun on the error he’d made. He obviously thinks we’re about a million different kinds of insane, but I don’t particularly care, because I spent so much of this afternoon snorting with laughter.

Yes, snorting.

I just feel like everything’s going so well, and I really hope it lasts. I suppose there’s a small part of me that knows it won’t, but mostly I’m putting my fingers in my ears and saying “la la la la laaaa I’m not listening!” because I really shouldn’t have to spend the times when I’m happy thinking about how happiness doesn’t last. So I’m cheerfully turning a blind eye.

 Everything just feels so easy. I mean, apart from actually keeping still or getting to sleep or keeping the insane laughter to a minimum. But it’s like…it’s like my brain works like a machine, like it’s all cogs and levers and whatever else machines are made of. And so much of the time they’re just scraping together, going creak creeak crreeeeaaakkk, and everything’s a struggle because there’s so much resistance. And then all of a sudden it gets into the right gear or someone puts some oil on it or something, and then like magic there’s no friction, no resistance, and everything’s working smoothly, effectively, quickly, faster and faster and faster and maybe sometimes it feels slightly out of control but it’s okay because it doesn’t fall apart, it doesn’t start emitting smoke and beeping noises, it just keeps going, better and better and better and I can’t even remember what the creaking was like, I know rationally that it happened but all I can really concentrate on now is the way that everything is so easy.

All I can really concentrate on now is this feeling I have that everything’s going to be okay, more than okay, better than okay. Everything’s brilliant and it’s going to keep being brilliant and maybe it will even get better. And I know that there’ll probably be a price to pay for feeling so good, there always is, but all I can think of is this utter glee that rises up inside me and has me smirking to myself and bursting into laughter and spinning around and wanting to tell everyone how wonderful everything is. And I feel like my blood’s been replaced with electricity, like there’s sparks running through my vains, like everything I do is pure energy, like I have such power.

Like I can do anything. Like everything is perfect. Like I have so much to do, so much to say. Like I’m never going to feel anything other than this. This is the only thing that makes sense. This is who I am, this is who I should always be. Because it wouldn’t feel so right if it wasn’t. It wouldn’t feel so good – it wouldn’t feel like all of a sudden I’ve slotted into place, finally found my niche, found who and what and how I want to be – if it wasn’t meant to be, if it wasn’t really me.

Knowing that this is what I’m meant to be makes me feel even more enthusiastic, even more warm and fuzzy inside. Because if this is who I really am, and I’m being it now, then it won’t go away, it’ll stay with me forever and I’ll never feel anything else apart from this rising, bubbling energy that makes everything so wonderfully easy.

My parents are coming to fetch me in….eleven hours or so. I haven’t packed. I haven’t tidied my room. I’m going to get up in the morning and do it all as quickly as I can. Like a race. Something to pass the time, I suppose.

So, yeah. In just a few hours, I’ll be home for Christmas. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see my family, to see my friends. I can’t wait for the tree and the lights and the food and drink and laughter and Christmas tv and maybe even a bit of snow. I can’t wait. It’s all going to be amazing.