Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘good mood

Changes

Posted on: December 3, 2012

I’ve been doing well at work. Really well. It’s like something’s just clicked, the past couple of months, and I’ve gained the drive and the self-belief that I was lacking. It’s amazing what a difference a bit of confidence can do. I’ve been working hard, I’ve been less and less afraid, and now I’m on the brink of a pay-rise (I don’t need the money, I don’t need anything, but it’s symbolic, it’s like a promotion, it’s recognition).

But, just recently, the good feeling has developed something of an edge to it. I mean, I’m fine. I’m in control. But there is a hint that it’s going too far, that the confidence that was working so well for me is becoming arrogance (my ego is like the universe; the bigger it gets, the faster it grows). I’m taking over. I’m butting in. I’m taking charge. I can’t hear a question without answering it, even if it’s not directed at me. I’m loud and brash, abrasive even. I’m finding myself assuming that my opinion will be valued, even when other people seem to be doing just fine without it.

I find myself tapping my feet and clicking my fingers. I’m more tactile, grabbing people by the hand or the arm when I want them to pay attention to me. I’m restless, always getting up to walk around, to stride about like I have something important to do.

I’m becoming irritable. I’m acting without thinking. I’m being too honest, speaking without tact and without subtlety. I’m dancing about and singing along to music at every opportunity. I’m acting like I’m better than other people, like I’m more important, and I see myself doing it and I worry, momentarily, that someone will mind, but then I get distracted by something and I don’t stop to think that I’m treading on people’s toes, that I’m making a nuisance of myself.

I think I’m probably being less than pleasant. I think I’m probably annoying everyone. But there’s an enormous part of me that doesn’t mind, that wants to just be swept up by this tide and not think, just wait to become conscious again when I settle wherever it deposits me.

I feel happy because I’m feeling good about myself, I feel driven and competent and ambitious, I feel like there is some purpose in my life. But there are alarm bells going off because everyone keeps asking me what’s happened, why I’m acting differently, why I’m talking so quickly about so many ridiculous things, and I want to feel good but I don’t want to fuck everything up.

I need to calm down. I need to sleep properly. It’s the only protection I have against losing control.

Advertisements
Tags:

Okay, so ‘turning a corner’ is a bit strong. It’s perhaps more like ‘swerving slightly to one side on the slightly wavy road to HELL AND DAMNATION’. But, fuck it. I’ll be positive if I want to be.

And I do.

I feel strangely determined. I feel – sort of, against the actual shit of life – like I can do stuff. Like I can sort stuff out – like some things don’t need to be sorted out, like they’re melting away. Like everything’s going to be okay.

I’m trying to be very calm. Deep breathing. A sense of perspective. It’s half past four in the morning, and it’s all words right now. Don’t get ahead of myself.

But, still. It’s the 12th of March and it’s the first time this year that I’m feeling even a tiny ray of hope or cheer or anything other than more or less utter misery. I feel reasonably cheerful, reasonably hopeful, and whilst I don’t want to get carried away, it’s about fucking time, and I desperately hope it lasts, stays like this, for a useful amount of time.

It feels, very slightly, like it might end up in anxiety. My chest feels a bit funny, my pulse slightly fast. So I’m trying to be calm. Trying to keep this mood sort of level, sort of something I can actually do something with.

I’m not making any promises. I know too well how this can turn.

I just want it recorded somewhere, that here, at this moment, I feel alright. I feel like life is worth living.

Everything is mostly awesome.

I’m a little bit irritable, a little bit impatient. I’m speaking too loudly and too quickly. I’m saying what I think, I’m saying things that make me laugh regardless of how they affect other people. I’m being selfish, I know it. At least I know it. Read the rest of this entry »

Everything is so incredibly awesome.

It needs to be written, I need a record, I need to be able to remember this, although of course I never do, even when it is written, but I have to try.

I got the result for the presentation I did a couple of weeks ago – the one that I almost completely fucked up by leaving everything to the very last minute, because I’m a knob – and I got 63%. Which will do very nicely, thank you very much. Strangely, I’ve been doing quite well this term. Which is baffling, as I’m still as inconsistent as ever. And I did miss a test last week, which might be a bit of a problem.

But it doesn’t matter. Because right now, everything is amazing.

Everybody’s gone home for Christmas, so I’ve mostly been entertaining myself. I’ve been working the past  couple of days, without which I think I’d probably very quickly go insane because I’d have no-one to talk to.

And I’ve been talking to friends from home. I say ‘talking’, it’s pretty much just been on the internet. And I’ve been laughing so hard. Today, someone I know made a small typing error in his Facebook status. OH, you think. HOW TERRIBLY EXCITING. Weird thing is, it kind of was. My friend and I managed to comment on it 29 times between us, each comment being a different pun on the error he’d made. He obviously thinks we’re about a million different kinds of insane, but I don’t particularly care, because I spent so much of this afternoon snorting with laughter.

Yes, snorting.

I just feel like everything’s going so well, and I really hope it lasts. I suppose there’s a small part of me that knows it won’t, but mostly I’m putting my fingers in my ears and saying “la la la la laaaa I’m not listening!” because I really shouldn’t have to spend the times when I’m happy thinking about how happiness doesn’t last. So I’m cheerfully turning a blind eye.

 Everything just feels so easy. I mean, apart from actually keeping still or getting to sleep or keeping the insane laughter to a minimum. But it’s like…it’s like my brain works like a machine, like it’s all cogs and levers and whatever else machines are made of. And so much of the time they’re just scraping together, going creak creeak crreeeeaaakkk, and everything’s a struggle because there’s so much resistance. And then all of a sudden it gets into the right gear or someone puts some oil on it or something, and then like magic there’s no friction, no resistance, and everything’s working smoothly, effectively, quickly, faster and faster and faster and maybe sometimes it feels slightly out of control but it’s okay because it doesn’t fall apart, it doesn’t start emitting smoke and beeping noises, it just keeps going, better and better and better and I can’t even remember what the creaking was like, I know rationally that it happened but all I can really concentrate on now is the way that everything is so easy.

All I can really concentrate on now is this feeling I have that everything’s going to be okay, more than okay, better than okay. Everything’s brilliant and it’s going to keep being brilliant and maybe it will even get better. And I know that there’ll probably be a price to pay for feeling so good, there always is, but all I can think of is this utter glee that rises up inside me and has me smirking to myself and bursting into laughter and spinning around and wanting to tell everyone how wonderful everything is. And I feel like my blood’s been replaced with electricity, like there’s sparks running through my vains, like everything I do is pure energy, like I have such power.

Like I can do anything. Like everything is perfect. Like I have so much to do, so much to say. Like I’m never going to feel anything other than this. This is the only thing that makes sense. This is who I am, this is who I should always be. Because it wouldn’t feel so right if it wasn’t. It wouldn’t feel so good – it wouldn’t feel like all of a sudden I’ve slotted into place, finally found my niche, found who and what and how I want to be – if it wasn’t meant to be, if it wasn’t really me.

Knowing that this is what I’m meant to be makes me feel even more enthusiastic, even more warm and fuzzy inside. Because if this is who I really am, and I’m being it now, then it won’t go away, it’ll stay with me forever and I’ll never feel anything else apart from this rising, bubbling energy that makes everything so wonderfully easy.

My parents are coming to fetch me in….eleven hours or so. I haven’t packed. I haven’t tidied my room. I’m going to get up in the morning and do it all as quickly as I can. Like a race. Something to pass the time, I suppose.

So, yeah. In just a few hours, I’ll be home for Christmas. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to see my family, to see my friends. I can’t wait for the tree and the lights and the food and drink and laughter and Christmas tv and maybe even a bit of snow. I can’t wait. It’s all going to be amazing.

A conversation in the kitchen. All of my parts are spoken really quite quickly.

 

Me: (rambling on about something or other)…I like friendliness!

Flatmate: Yeah, I’d noticed…you’re very bubbly.

Me: What, in a bad way?

Flatmate: What? No –

Me: Because someone can be bubbly like…nanananana (doing a little dance), but bubbly can also be like…NANANANANANA (doing a more aggressive dance), you know?

Flatmate: Yeah…erm, no. You’re not overpowering.

Me: So I’m like Dove?

Flatmate: What?

Me: Well, some smells can be nice, but then there’s too much of them and they’re not nice anymore. But with the smell of Dove, you can never have too much, it never gets overpowering, no matter how much there is, it still smells nice, don’t you think?

Flatmate: Erm. Yeah. See you later.

 

I really quite a lot wish I had more people to talk to/at.

Also, today I applied for three jobs.

Hurray!

Once again, nothing has changed, but everything has.

I have spent…well, quite some time, I think, before today, genuinely considering and planning and fantasising about my death. How long, I don’t know. Looking back through this blog tells me it’s about 2 and a half weeks since I felt okay, cheerful but pensive, and it was about three weeks before that that I felt really rather elated. Which is…interesting, I suppose. Actually, going back through what I’ve written sort of makes me want to go back through everything, and make graphs, and find patterns, but I have absolutely no idea what I’d do with the knowledge, and I’m pretty sure that the compulsion will leave me soon.

Read the rest of this entry »

I really kind of have no idea how I feel or what I’m doing or what the hell’s going on. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 98 other followers

Archives

This blog has been visited

  • 80,014 times.
December 2018
M T W T F S S
« Nov    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31  
Advertisements