Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘alcohol

I went out with some people from work last night, had a few drinks and a bit of a laugh. It was an okay night – nothing special, but it’s nice to get out and do something, isn’t it? I wasn’t really drunk, just a bit tipsy, and I got home at a reasonable hour and went straight to bed. Read the rest of this entry »

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I go out and have a few drinks because that’s how people socialise and I’m trying not to be antisocial.

Then I spend all night thinking about how I’m going to die, unhappy and alone and useless, and how fucking pointless life and everything in it is.

I don’t even feel drunk. Alcohol doesn’t make me wild and stupid and blurry anymore, it just makes me sad.

But how do you say “I’m not drinking because alcohol makes me miserable” without people wanting to know about your feelings? I don’t want to talk about it. I just don’t want to feel like this.

But I know the feelings are just under the surface all the time anyway. My life is fucked. I am so incredibly lonely. I wish I had some sort of meaning or purpose.

I feel it all the time. It’s just that drinking makes me fucking obsess over it.

I have, I suppose, two main things to write about tonight. And it seems pointless to write about them as two separate posts. So I’m shoving them together, whether they belong together or not.

Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, I really can’t stand my mother.

In the space of a few days, she’s gone from unbearably nice to unbearably awful. Read the rest of this entry »

I had a bit of a bizarre night last night.

I was feeling kind of spaced out all day. Reasonably cheerful but very detached from everything, like watching my life through a window. Then I went out with some friends, and was drinking, and it got a lot worse.

I was…worried. Worried about things that didn’t matter or even make sense. Standing by walls, biting my nails, staring in wide-eyed horror at the sky, hating the light pollution, because, as I asked my rather bemused friend, “if it’s never really night, when do the people sleep?”

So, yeah, that was my night. Worrying and asking stupid questions. Great.

….Hello.

Things are going pretty well for me. There’s the slight worry that I’ve failed all of my exams, but I can’t do anything about that now so I’m not really thinking about it.

The past week or so has been filled with good times. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my flatmates, endless games of cards and ridiculous conversations, and we’ve been going out a bit too. I’ve been drinking a bit too much but I’ll try to slow down soon.

I’ve also been buying lots of books. There are loads of things that I think I should have read in my life, but have never got round to, so I’m trying to do them now. I’ve already read ‘Jane Eyre’, ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ and ‘Brideshead Revisited’, and I’m doing ‘The Great Gatsby’ next. Anyone have any more suggestions?

So, yeah, things are going well. I haven’t been really sad about anything all week, let alone depressed – just happy and talkative and interested in things. I hope it lasts. It feels strange to me, feeling so good, but not unwelcome.

Tomorrow, I’m going home for the weekend. And HOPEFULLY when I return here I will have a new charger for my laptop and as such, more convenient internet access.

I’m having to make a conscious effort to write this. I’m going back to uni tomorrow, and I don’t know when I’ll next have access to a computer in a place where I feel comfortable writing about myself. I’m having some difficulty finding the words, at the minute. I don’t quite know how to say what I think. But I’ll try.

It’s been a pretty terrible weekend. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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