Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I did a depression

Posted on: June 25, 2020

10 weeks ago, I had a meeting with my boss, about working towards a promotion. I felt really good about it. I was given a spreadsheet to fill in, with different criteria I had to meet and provide evidence for. I took a quick look at it, felt confident, thought I could get it provisionally filled in within a couple of weeks.

Then, the following week began a slow decline.

It became a real struggle to get out of bed. I couldn’t think, couldn’t communicate, and that spreadsheet looked fucking ridiculous. It all seemed way over my head, stuff I was completely incapable of and unsuited for. It gnawed away at me, my ridiculous arrogance of assuming I could do it.

Stopped sleeping properly. Stopped eating properly. Trudging around my house at a snail’s pace. An intense, painful awkwardness accompanied all interactions with people.

Everything was so slow and useless and I could hardly breathe with how hard it was to do anything.

Then, yesterday, I practically leapt out of bed with my alarm. And I had enough energy to do some cleaning, and cook a meal.

And today, I loaded up that spreadsheet and could think of a million things to enter into it.

And I feel awake and alive and inspired to try things. And as confident as I get.

I still feel like I’m shaking the depression out of my limbs. It’s retreating but not quite banished yet. The heavy feeling. But I know it’s going, now. I’m not stuck in it with no way out.

2 Responses to "I did a depression"

Thank you. Sincerely.
Your posts are so inspiring.
I suffer from depression too and it’s making things so hard.
It’s good to see someone who is actually facing it and even making personal and professional progress.

Hi Alex, thanks for getting in touch.

I don’t always feel like I’m making much progress, but looking back over the years I can see I’m in a much better place now. It takes tiny steps, each of which feels pointless and insignificant on their own, and it takes building them up over a long time.

Just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If I can do it, anyone can!

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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