Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘studying

Not so much, anymore.

One minute, I’m sat with my parents, watching tv, feeling pretty good.

The next thing I know, they’re asking me questions. Repeating, over and over again, asking me what grade I’m going to get, how well I’m going to do, what I’m going to do with my life.

They always say it doesn’t matter, but how can it not, if they’re always asking?

All they want is a daughter who will make them proud, and I can’t even be that.

Moments later, I’ve locked myself in the bathroom and I’m perched on the edge of the bath, crying silently, digging fingernails into flesh and furiously whispering “shut up, Laura. Stop fucking crying”.

I go upstairs and try to be calm, try to recapture some of my hope, but then my mum’s coming upstairs and saying, “why are you being like this? Why are you upset? Your eyes are all red, stop being miserable” and it makes everything indescribably worse.

I can’t feel anything without feeling guilty. When I’m here, it’s all I hear: don’t be sad, don’t be angry, don’t be annoyed, don’t be silly (‘silly’ means happy, or cheerful, or enthusastic). And every time anything forces its way through my mask to become a visible emotion, they comment on it and all I can feel is overwhelming guilt and shame because look, I’ve failed again. Letting my emotions get the better of me.

All I can think about now is dying. I don’t know why this is my automatic response, but every time I feel a little bit uncomfortable or sad or whatever, all I can think is “okay then, I’d better kill myself”, and I try not to think about it. I hold my breath and bite my lip and count to ten and tell myself in a very stern internal voice not to be so fucking stupid, but still, all those thoughts are there, and all I can think is that I have to die before graduation, because nothing is as humiliating as being surrounded by people who are successful, and knowing that you’re a failure, and having to watch you parents come to terms with that.

I can’t fucking do it.

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It’s now officially the day I go back to uni.

I’m so scared it hurts, I feel all twisted and wound up inside.

I have so many plans, mostly involving being super-organised and completely un-Laura-ish. The truth is that being Laura-ish hasn’t really made my life any easier these past few years, so perhaps it’s time to enforce some discipline and organisation on myself. Read the rest of this entry »

I feel so grumpy. Just generally irritable and pissed off.

I stayed away from people all day because I knew I’d probably end up being a bitch to them. Read the rest of this entry »

I have had an excellent weekend. Really, truly incredible.

My friend from home came to visit. Read the rest of this entry »

Things are better.

Better is good.

But things aren’t good. Not yet. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m plunging into the depths of horrible moods again, and it’s entirely my fault.

I’m falling apart again, losing it. I’ve lasted longer this year than I did last year, but it was only a matter of time before I began properly unravelling. Read the rest of this entry »

Better!

Posted on: February 3, 2009

Oh, thank God for that.

Sorry for the past few days of utter misery around here.

Things are better now, though. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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