Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Downhill

Posted on: December 9, 2018

It doesn’t take much for me to spiral downhill. Even after all this time, after so much improvement.

Maybe it’s the time of year, which always makes me cynical and bleak. Maybe it’s my cold, which has my head all stuffed up. Maybe it’s my mother’s once again deteriorating physical and mental health. Maybe it’s the weight of secrecy and lies. Maybe it’s my increased responsibility at work, my fatal flaw of never saying no which leaves me under so much pressure with no recognition or reward.

Probably all of the above.

I’m not suicidal. I’m self-aware enough to know I can’t kill myself. But am listening to sad songs and hearing death in each of them. Let my mind rest for a moment and it’s filled with images of self-harm. Panic racing round my head and I’m crying for the first time in longer than I can remember.

I know I just need to wait it out. But I wish I was strong enough for it to never happen.

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1 Response to "Downhill"

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time, I hope you can get through it ok. This time of year can be very tough

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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