Loopy, Lonely and Lost


Posted on: September 22, 2019

So, some things have happened.

At the beginning of the year I got the news that I (along with all of my colleagues) was going to be made redundant sometime next year. The uncertainty and the constant looming threat made me anxious, so I decided not to wait, to forfeit my redundancy money and move on to a new job if I could find one.

I got a job. 35% higher salary than my old one, at a bigger, faster-paced company. I’ve been there 4 months now. It’s going pretty well – it’s hard because I don’t know what I’m doing so much, I’ve gone from being an expert to being new, and there is a loss of control involved in that. But, stable employment. A sense of momentum. And I’ve received a lot of positive feedback.

One of my greatest strengths is my ability to shrug off a part of my life like an old coat, and pick up another. I know it comes from a fairly unhealthy place – it’s my lack of connection with other people, my obsession with self-sufficiency, my icy cold core that allow this to happen. But it is one of the things that’s kept me alive so long – the way I can step out of one situation and emerge completely free of it, unencumbered, and step into something else.

I’ve established a new routine. Everything is in place. I have some security.

I do feel pretty lonely though. As I age I get more and more trapped between the fear of being alone and the fear of letting anyone in.

I know I’m a little down because I’m feeling sad that no-one will have anything to say at my funeral. I’m not planning to die any time soon, but death feels like a very real and terrifying prospect and I know I haven’t achieved anything. I’m afraid of dying and leaving no mark whatsoever.

Sorry. This took a turn.

1 Response to "Hey"

Lacking connection to others is a funny thing. Society doesn’t know how to deal with it, I suspect because it highly values it and demonises it at the same time. Who knows. I tried to seek help for it without realising and the system by and large just desperately tried to get rid of me. Maybe if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have so many health problems now, but there’s a good chance I’d either be drugged up to the eyeballs in a group home or in prison now.

I’m glad I got a bit of functionality out of the drugs for a while, because I got to work for a while and I learnt a lot through that. Having to survive has taught me a lot as well. Maybe one day my health will be sufficient that I can try to connect again.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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