Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘getting help


Posted on: January 25, 2010

I’m going to call your doctor’s surgery and ask them what’s going on.

You can’t. They won’t tell you.

You’re my daughter, I have a right to know. Why are you taking this medication? What’s wrong? What’s happening?

I told you. I’ve been…depressed. A bit. And not sleeping.

That can’t be all of it, that’s not all the details. WHY are you depressed?

I don’t know. I just…am.

But there must be a reason! I know, Laura, I’ve been depressed too. So what is it, have you fallen out with one of your friends?

No. I don’t think there is a reason for it.

You’re lying again. Why are you always lying? Why don’t you trust me? I just want to help you.

But you’re not helping. You’re making it worse.

No, you’re making it worse by lying to me. How am I supposed to help you if I don’t know the details? Your doctor will tell me more.

But what about confidentiality?

It doesn’t matter. I’m your MOTHER. They have to tell me.

No, they don’t –

– they do. And if they won’t, I’ll find out anyway. You know I work at the hospital, you know I have access to all of the notes. You’ve heard your dad telling me my test results before my appointments. It’s all on a big system. I’ll be able to read everything.

Please don’t.

Then tell me. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me why you feel this way. Stop lying to me, Laura. Stop hiding things. You know I can find out anyway, so you might as well just be honest.

I don’t know what you want me to tell you.

That’s not good enough. Read the rest of this entry »


It’s getting harder and harder to keep going. Read the rest of this entry »


Posted on: November 29, 2009

I’m still here.

I don’t know what to do. Read the rest of this entry »

I cannot do this anymore. Something has to give.

Right now, my options are pretty much:

  • Kill myself
  • Leave university
  • Get help

Fuck, I don’t know what to do.

Maybe I should make an appointment with someone, or something.

Fuck. Maybe this is just a moment of weakness. Maybe keeping things as they are is an option.

I’m just so frightened. Of acting. Of not acting.

I feel like any decision I make, other than suicide, is just slightly delaying it. I feel like any decision I make, other than suicide, is weakness and stupidity and will just make everything worse.

But I cannot live like this.


I’m so tempted to pack up my belongings, throw away my textbooks and call up my parents and ask them to take me home. Then spend the next few weeks, months, years – however long it takes – curled up in my bed and just forgetting. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve changed, so much. Is it possible to de-age? Is it possible to lose sense, to lose reason?

Read the rest of this entry »

I feel so grumpy. Just generally irritable and pissed off.

I stayed away from people all day because I knew I’d probably end up being a bitch to them. Read the rest of this entry »


My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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