Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posts Tagged ‘energy

I know I’m not being a particularly nice person at the moment. I mean, I don’t think my friends mind. They see me being sarcastic and cutting and brutally honest and they think it’s funny. I suppose it is, a bit.

But anyone who knows my family, even a little, will know that my mum doesn’t take well to that kind of attitude.

Read the rest of this entry »

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– said a colleague of mine to me earlier, with a raised eyebrow, a grin, and a slightly infuriated tone.

Stop. Wait. Breathe. Assess where I am.

I’m standing up, in the presence of a considerable number of people, only some of whom I know. I’m acting out a hypothetical situation, with the aid of a pair of plastic spoons with faces drawn on them. The entire routine is complete with silly voices that I keep getting mixed up (“…and then – oh no, I’m talking in your voice!” – “That’s still my voice.” – “Ahem. Is that better?” – “That’s not the voice you had two minutes ago!”), and I’m vaguely thinking of – and discussing, via the monologues of a narrator – putting my one-woman (and two-spoon) show on the stage.

People are laughing at me. They’ve been taking the piss all day, a result of our recent Christmas party, in which I never stopped dancing and talking to strangers and posing and saying ever so slightly strange things (not that I’ll admit to the strangeness. Deny, deny, deny, that’s how I do things).

I know I’ve been a bit weird lately. I only slept three hours at most last night, but I haven’t felt any the worse off for it, and I’m still wide awake. I know I’ve been…a little controlling, insisting on helping people and answering their questions almost to the point of taking over completely. I might have been getting people’s backs up at work, setting myself on to solving problems and giving advice when I’ve only been there a couple of months, and I have no authority. I’ve been taking over, doing things for people, because they’re doing them so slowly. People have been commenting on my quick wit, my one-liners, my sharp tongue, and I haven’t really noticed, haven’t felt anything other than exuberant and a little bit twitchy and maybe, occasionally, a little irritable.

I’ve been feeling really good, but little splinters of doubt are appearing. Am I allowed to feel this good? Should I be trying to rein myself in, check what I’m saying, calm down, put the brakes on?

I miss when feeling good was just that. I was starting to get it again, I think. Just settling down to working and talking and making new friends. I was enjoying it (to tell the truth, I still am).

But it seems that no matter where I am, or who I’m with, it comes down to the same thing: complicated eyebrow movements and tentative comments about calming down, puzzled laughter and always being introduced to new people as “the mental one”.

I mean, it’s fine. I can still feel the bubbling giddiness rising inside me. I’m still talking too much, still doing whatever it pops into my head to do. It’s just that now, I am aware.

In a different time and place, alarm bells would be ringing. Somebody would be expressing concern. Someone would be saying, watch out. It’s not normal.

I want it to be normal. I want this to be the way life is. I’ve been feeling good about myself, good about the world. I’ve been feeling invincible. People have been finding me fun and funny, they’ve been making me feel like I’m a good person, but very recently they’ve been seeming wary, stepping back a little. Telling me I’m exhausting, asking if I ever shut up, getting annoyed by my constant stream of activity and conversation. And I want to scream at them, stop ruining this, because if people act like this is normal then it is, it can be, and I don’t have to think about it, and there’ll be no come-down, and maybe I’ll be like this forever, maybe this is the person I’m supposed to be.

I feel alive. It’s like…drugs, I suppose. I’d do anything to keep this feeling.

Why…?

Posted on: March 23, 2009

Why is it so easy to say, “Fuck off, I hate you”, with a smile and a wink (or even with a straight face – preferably, but not essentially, if people know I’m joking), but so difficult to say, “Hey, flatmate…? Please stop mentioning the fact that I have another year to go at university. It makes me really uncomfortable”?

Why am I more comfortable being openly hated and shouted at and despised, than I am with people who are perfectly pleasant but sometimes look at me a bit strangely?

Why can I justify my mother’s every action by the twin-pronged fact attack of “she’s ill” and “I love her”, but just a few hours in her presence are enough to make me start snapping and idly imagining slapping her in the face?

Why do I care so little about what people think about the music I listen to, or the tv I watch, or the profanities I use, or the friends I have, or the alcohol I drink or the money I spend  – but so much about what they think about my ridiculous facial expressions, or my clumsiness, or the fact that I’m ‘loud’? Why do I care less about offending them than I do about arousing their pity (or worse, that smug cheerfulness that people get when they’re so fucking glad that they’re not as annoying and embarrassing as me)? Read the rest of this entry »

Anger

Posted on: September 10, 2008

So, once again my mood is flying high. But with it, this time, comes the temper. Read the rest of this entry »


Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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