Loopy, Lonely and Lost


Posted on: June 4, 2020

So, I timed my total mental breakdown for the week I had off work.

Or, no. It’s not total. And I’ve been clinging to the last threads of my sanity for weeks, just waiting for an opportunity to let go.

It’s 2am and I’m awake, listening to sad songs.

It’s Thursday and the week is wasted already. I’ve been lying around, watching TV, reading. Hardly eating, hardly sleeping, hardly moving.

And there are tears in my eyes, waiting to fall, but I can’t access them. I can’t feel enough to let them out.

Work has been going OK. I’ve been there a year now. A month or so ago I had a meeting, my bosses want me to work towards a promotion.

I went into immediate self-sabotage mode. I keep doing things wrong. I don’t believe I’m good enough even for the job I have.

And, I don’t have any friends. None at all. I have several people I get on with at work. I have lots of people whose Facebook posts I occasionally like. I have a couple of people I’ve felt close to in the past, with whom I exchange extensive and detailed messages every few months, and meet for coffee or shopping or a movie maybe once a year.  But that’s it.

I don’t know how to feel about it. It’s painful, but opening myself up to someone new is unthinkable.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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