Loopy, Lonely and Lost

If the perfect Spring is waiting somewhere….

Posted on: January 15, 2020

So, the past few years, I’ve had a bit of Winter depression. Just ridiculous, pointless gloominess. Not like my depressions of old – I have awareness and perspective and all that good stuff. I function, I don’t go off the rails. But my whole mind just gets smaller. Everything becomes more difficult. I don’t know if I have SAD or if it’s something else. I’m not really fussed on labels.

This Winter, I was prepared for it. I was determined to be a model of psychological well-being. Check out all the stuff I’ve had in place since the clocks went back:

  • I’ve been eating properly. Low carb, low-ish calorie, a shit-ton of vegetables
  • I’ve been exercising. Bought a cheap exercise bike and I use it every day, increasing the time I spend each week
  • I’ve been taking a high-ish dose vitamin D supplement
  • I bought a dusk/dawn-simulating alarm clock and I use it every day
  • I’ve been listening to Michael Sealey’s sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube. Seriously, if you don’t sleep well, check him out. Completely revolutionised my ability to sleep properly. Some of them are about chakras and other stuff I don’t believe in, but I just pick out the ones that seem interesting and they are super-effective at getting me to sleep and making me feel calm and refreshed when I wake

I’ve tried to attack this depression from all angles. And it’s really worked. I’ve been feeling great. So much energy, so able to deal with things. Like, is this how healthy people feel? It’s a real game-changer.

I’ve lost a little bit of weight. A drop in the ocean to what I need to lose, but it feels good to make a start. And all the little tasks around the house have been getting done.

A couple of weeks ago, my vitamin D supplement ran out. I felt so good I hardly noticed. Couldn’t even remember why I’d been taking it.

Everything’s been going so great. All that shit people tell you to do when you’re depressed, that feels impossible – turns out it actually works! I even applied for a volunteering role, feeling I had so much spare energy and emotional resilience that I can use to help others.

And then today, I’m in a meeting with my boss and she’s telling me I need to be a bit more communicative, take control of my development, can’t just sit there and shrug and mumble when she asks me what my objectives are. And I have tears in my eyes and my bottom lip is trembling and I don’t know why.

And someone asks me how my work is going and I panic and stutter and quietly sneak off to the toilets to do some deep breaths, and I don’t know why.

And on the bus home, I am crying. Actually crying. Cinematic, staring out of the window of the bus, big fat tears rolling down my cheeks. And I don’t know why.

So, as I’ve trained myself to do when I’m sad, I ask myself, am I doing all the things I should? Nutrition, exercise, sleep? Supplement… Oh.

Perhaps it’s the vitamin D? Perhaps I should have got some more?

Maybe it’s a coincidence. Maybe it’s a placebo. Could be all sorts of things.

But I will replenish my stock as soon as I’m able, and start taking it again while I wait for Spring.


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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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