Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Archive for June 15th, 2017

I feel like my life and moods are bouncing along down a pipe. When I hit the top, I am effervescent, ambitious, chatty, imaginative. I buy shit I don’t need and I get impatient at the slightest delay, but I get things done. When I hit the bottom, I am slow and tired and afraid.¬†I hide from people and mumble and don’t remember how to do anything. If I get the bottom of the pipe at the right angle, I add a cynical sense of humour, which people seem to like. (Here’s a tip for anyone feeling¬†moderately miserable: say exactly how you feel about yourself and the world, but say it in a sarcastic voice. People mistake it for wit, and sometimes it buys you a little bit of good will.)

The pipe is not ideal. It could benefit from being smaller, and from my journey through it being less bumpy. But it has a ceiling, and a floor, and between those boundaries life, for what it’s worth, goes on.

And then, every now and then, without warning, the floor gives way, and I am in freefall.

I’ve got a head full of self-destruction and very little else. The unpalatable truth is that I just don’t know how to live. Time goes by and I’m getting worse, not better, at being a human being.

Things that were once easy, or at least bearable, are gone from my life forever. I don’t socialise. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I have literally no friends. Seriously, no-one. And I don’t mean, there are people in my life but I don’t think they care. I mean, I can’t actually remember the last time I left the house for the purpose of socialising. I go to work. Occasionally, I wander around some shops on my own. That is the extent of my life.

Increasingly, I am a burden to my family. I know they expected to be rid of me long before now. But most of the time I can’t even leave my room. Being around my relatives is draining and infuriating, but I’m afraid that being alone would allow me to completely grind to a halt.

You see how hard it is, finding reasons to keep going, when I have no-one and nothing? I don’t even feel like I’m really here anyway. I don’t know how to reconnect with my life.

 

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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