Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Archive for October 15th, 2016

Gaaah, I am depressed.

Just, awful. Like the ceiling is bearing down on me and I’m breathing stale air in an ever shrinking space.

I went out with some people from work and got a little drunk – not terribly so, just a little tongue-looseningly tipsy. As I head into depression, my sense of humour tends to get very bleak, and combined with the alcohol everyone now thinks I’m hilarious, full of these dark jokes that make them laugh, but I am mortified and can hardly look at myself in the mirror.

I know things are getting bad when I just feel like I have nothing to do. I don’t want to be with anyone, I’m exhausted but can’t sleep, and I just sit here on my computer passing time, but I can’t even think of things to Google. Nothing is interesting.

I’ve been given a bit more responsibility at work and I’m getting hugely anxious about it. I just want to run away and hide in the toilets every day, but I can’t admit that because the responsibility is just my job – either I do it or I don’t, but if I don’t, what is even the point of me?

I feel like I can’t breathe and I can’t move and I can’t think, and this will never change. I’m too scared of everything. Nothing has meaning and there is no hope. I’m sorry. Just how it is.

I’ll be okay. I just don’t particularly want to be.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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