Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Archive for May 2016

Posted on: May 13, 2016

I self-harmed tonight.

It’s been such a long time. I can’t even remember when I last did it. It hasn’t even properly worked – I feel a little calmer but haven’t been able to flip that switch that turns off my feelings and puts me in a trance for a few hours. It used to come so easily, but maybe now I have to work harder for it. What I wouldn’t give for some unfeeling blankness right now.

I am fucking angry. Fist-clenchingly, heart-pumpingly, eye-wideningly livid.

My mother. More and more I find myself thinking she’s actually evil. She hates me. I know she hates me because she tells me so. She says such terrible things.

I know that I am not perfect. In fact, I’m a pretty awful person. I do try to look after her, but it’s never enough because opinions are forbidden. I am very, very bad at not having opinions. At not intervening when she says something I disagree with, or when she’s verbally attacking my relatives. I can’t hold back and I always get such horrible responses, about how stupid and fat and ugly and worthless I am, about how it’s not my house, it’s nothing to do with me, I don’t understand anything.

Today she made a hurtful and untrue accusation about me, and I called her a liar and left the room immediately before I could say or do anything else. Blood rushing through my ears, I could have torn down buildings.

I have some very ugly and unpleasant feelings about her. I’m torn between wanting to avoid the hypocrisy of pretending to love her when it’s really so much closer to the opposite feeling, and wanting to hide out of shame and embarrassment. It feels like everyone loves their mother and has a close relationship and it’s just not normal to fantasise about punching her in the face.

I know there are other people out there in the world who have the same sorts of problems as me. I just don’t know any of them. I feel like a freak.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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