Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: December 5, 2015

I can see the person I want to be. It’s like looking through a one-way mirror. She doesn’t know I exist, and I don’t know how to get past the barrier to become her. I just sit and watch her and dream of being that person, rather than this one.

She has a house, and is happy there. (I found an area I’d like to live in – good value for money on property, easily accessible amenities, within walking distance of work, 3 friends all have houses around there. But I’m too afraid to get the ball running by seeing someone about a mortgage, and the housing market gets slow over the holidays, so I tell myself I’ll look into it in the New Year, but I’ll probably find another excuse.)

She is successful in her job, and takes opportunities when they come to her. (I’ve started my new job and I know it’s exactly the kind of thing I should love, but I’ve got this gnawing anxiety that’s making me think I’m definitely going to mess it up. I know so little and that’s terrifying.)

She has enjoyable, productive hobbies, and she invests time in them. (A friend of mine from work is trying to get me to start a new hobby with her. It sounds like great fun – creative and social and casual, a real laugh. But I’m avoiding her and finding excuses not to start. We were going to go into town and buy what we need, but I’m too embarrassed. I can’t face people knowing that I’m going to try at something.)

She has friends, and is able to be herself around them. (See above, and everything I’ve ever written here. I get on really well with people on a very superficial level, but I’m incapable of forming any kind of deeper or long-lasting attachment. At the first sign of any kind of closeness, I run for the hills.)

She knows who she is and what she wants. She has normal, healthy relationships with her family. She is cheerful and decisive and not frightened of everything. She takes exercise. She reads more than I do. She is calm and she thinks things through but doesn’t overthink them. She is happy.

It’s very hard to be able to see her through the thick glass in my head and know that I will never be her.


1 Response to ""

You are her. You’ll break through that glass someday. I’m sure you will.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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