Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Hmmmmmph

Posted on: September 1, 2015

Okay, so last night I didn’t sleep.

I spent the night alternating repeatedly between starting loads of new cities on SimCity (because I am old-school like that, and because beginnings are easy, I just get distracted after a while and start something new), downloading every available free classic to my Kindle, and internet-researching Iceland (the country, not the shop).

Whilst doing those things I was also making up silent conversations and stories and regularly getting up just to walk around my room.

Then I went to work and had an extremely productive day, got lots done and re-connected with lots of people I hadn’t spoken to for a while. And if I did spend some time (several hours) humming the same tune over and over again, it doesn’t really matter, does it? It’s no big deal.

And now it’s gone 11pm and I have to get up in the morning but fuck it, I’m still wide awake. Forget second wind, this is all first wind, there’s been no letting-up.

And look, alright, I know. I know. There is a danger in this, a danger of crashing horribly, and I know somewhere in my brain the fact I’ve been awake for getting on for 40 hours is probably eating away at whatever sense is still left in there. I know there is something fizzing in my mind and it’s good now but I don’t know what will be left afterwards.

But right now things feel easy. Right now, I’m flying.

And I only have until the end of the week and then I’m going on holiday, so, again…fuck it.

Nothing matters and everything is now and my limbs are itching to move. Things are funny and I have energy and the world is pretty awesome and there is this growing pressure like a balloon inside me, filled with noise and movement and joy and pure sensation, and it’s getting bigger and bigger until it’s all of me and all I have to do is not let it pop.

This is normal. This is fine. It just feels big because I’ve been a misery-guts lately. But now that I’ve found this, maybe I can live it forever? Fingers crossed. I haven’t felt like this in so long.

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1 Response to "Hmmmmmph"

Forget the crash. Enjoy the high while it lasts. We, with the fluctuating moods, can’t always count on feeling that life is worth living, or even that life is worth dying. We can’t always count on feeling one way, & having the comfort of knowing that feeling to be truth. We can’t even count on our feelings having any true reflection of what’s happening in our lives, or what we logically think we should be feeling. I forget the crash, because I know when it comes, I’ll also forget the joy & the excitement & the peace that came before it. So when I do feel that joy, I don’t think about it. I just live it, with the understanding that it will soon be forgotten & replaced with something much, much worse. If you need a listener during your crash, you’re welcome to email me.

Take care.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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