Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Dangerous

Posted on: August 29, 2015

Okay, so I guess this is a concern.

I am all over the place. Miserable but energetic is never a good combination. I can’t keep still, tapping my feet and tapping my fingers and I can’t get comfortable, I have to keep getting up and going for walks, pacing as fast as I can, trying to get my level of activity to justify the way my heart is thudding.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed of everything I say and do, but I can’t stop myself. I am irritable, my opinions are strident, my sense of humour dark (miserable jokes full of anger and disappointment, told with just about the right attitude that people laugh rather than worry).

I feel like hell, burning up – my face flushed with shame and exertion and some twisted form of rage. I feel reckless and angry and so let down by my life and the world. Everything is shit and I am a classic example of that.

I feel like death, like dying makes sense, like it’s the least I can do to help everyone out. In my mind I am running out into main roads and leaping off bridges all day and night long.

I am keeping it together, just, by my old trick of being an island. Sitting on my bed in the middle of the room, far away from anything I could break or anything that could hurt me. Staying here and trying to breathe, surrounding myself in silence and waiting for it to pass.

It will pass. It always passes. Everything does. It’s just that whatever follows is usually even worse.

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1 Response to "Dangerous"

When I get like this I imagine I’m fastening my dressing gown cord round my neck over and over again. I think I’ve been feeling trapped lately, I’ve decided to set myself some achievable goals like saving a certain amount of money every month and learning a new skill one which could possibly earn me some money in the future.
As for you moving out of home if it’s financially realistic you should go for this , but once the project of decorating is over try and find other projects. I know I need to follow my own advice and get out there and do new stuff and meet new people before I fall into what I like to call ‘hysterical boredom’ again.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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