Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I may well regret this…

Posted on: September 28, 2014

Hello. Firstly, thank you to everyone who’s been in touch since my last post. I do read your comments, I just haven’t really felt able to respond.

I don’t know if I’m coming back here for good. I just don’t know.

But I am kind of…messing everything up.

Anxiety is becoming more and more of an issue for me. I feel almost constantly on the verge of a panic attack, of throwing up, of bursting into tears, of running away. I’ve stopped looking people in the eye when I speak. Actually, wherever possible, I’ve stopped speaking. I’m spending all my time fantasising about never leaving this room, never contacting anyone, just lying here and disconnecting completely.

My mum is ill. Worse than ever. She’s been in hospital for the past few days. I don’t know what’s going on but I have this feeling it’s probably somehow my fault. Before she went into hospital everything was awful, she was just shouting and crying and verbally attacking everyone. Now there’s a deathly silence and I am trying to be good, trying to help my dad as much as possible but I’m so tired.

I’m sleeping, but poorly. Staying up late, waking up early. Never feeling refreshed or relaxed. I go to bed, I get up, I go to work, I come home. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Work is hard. I’m supposed to be doing this project but I’m too afraid to even discuss my plans with anyone, let alone ask for the information I need. My boss keeps asking how I am, saying I look worried, but I can’t let myself weaken, I can’t tell the truth. I wouldn’t know where to start anyway. So I smile and say I’m fine. He probably doesn’t believe me but it doesn’t matter, all that matters is I don’t give in, I don’t tell the truth.

It’s like a punch in the gut, every time. It’s like a hand around my throat. Breathing so hard I have to gasp for air in the middle of a sentence. Always completely spaced out, nothing feels real. I’m light-headed and headachey and my head is full of white noise. I’m just itching to hurt myself. I haven’t given in yet but I don’t know how long I can last.

So I guess that’s why I’m here. Anyone who’s still reading – do you have any ideas of how to deal with anxiety? I mean, other than talking about it with anyone, which obviously isn’t going to happen. I know there’s no magic solution. But anything that will help me get through the day would be most welcome.

Ideally I would be able to sit alone in silence with nothing to do for about 3 months. Then I might possibly be able to face the world. But it’s not going to happen, and I feel like I’m falling apart.

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2 Responses to "I may well regret this…"

Hey there, I don’t think I’ve ever commented on your posts, but I have been following your blog for a while now. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, and I’m sending lots of positive vibes your way. Something that I’m trying to do to help me with depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and such, is to begin the day by dedicating those first 15 minutes after I wake up to just try to sound off and calm down. I know it sounds stupid, and maybe you’ve even tried it before, but sometimes it works, especially when I wake up suicidal because I didn’t sleep or because I’m anxious or stressed. It helps. I hope you come out of this triumphant and stronger than ever. Do take care,

Laura

Hi Laura

Thanks so much for your blog. I’ve literally just now, today, half an hour ago, been diagnosed with cyclothymia. Blogs like yours really help – I can see the truth in it, and know that I’m not alone. Thank you for this.

I wasn’t going to comment, but I do have a strategy that can help with anxiety, and though hopefully you’ve managed to find your way past how you were feeling when you wrote this post, it might help you next time it comes around.

Something I do when everything is pressing in and I can’t think straight and it seems like it will never end, is I write. With a pen, in a notebook. I write a stream of consciousness of everything I’m feeling, with no censor. Nothing has to make sense, nothing has to be right, no one is ever going to see it other than me. My writing is hugely messy and I swear and call myself all sorts of awful, but it’s allowed because it’s my space and it affects no one but me. No one knows what I’m writing. And what I usually find is that after a page or two or three, my writing becomes neater, my breathing gets steadier, my thoughts slow down and become a little more rational. It’s like, by putting pen to paper, I’ve given these thoughts an outlet, like a burst pipe that gushes forwards into the air, and eventually the pressure drops and the flow from the burst pipe slows to a trickle and my thoughts stop swinging round and round my head in that out of control way. They still exist, they’re still a part of me, but by moving them to paper, I can manage them slightly better. Somehow, it’s calming, and it helps me keep going.

I hope that’s helpful, in some way.

xx

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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