Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Worse

Posted on: December 14, 2013

For fuck’s sake. I can’t do this.

It’s half past four the morning and I’ve been awake, I think, for about two days. I’m just sitting in my bed and crying. Tears are always so close to the surface – I almost cried at work yesterday. My boss was saying I’m hard to talk to, that I’m non-committal and indecisive and never show any passion or drive, and he didn’t mean it as a character assassination or anything like that, he just wanted to know what I was thinking and how to help, but I felt my lip wobble and my eyes blur and all I could do was go blank and still and say nothing, proving him right I guess.

How am I supposed to talk about myself? Everyone at work wants me to be more self-analytical, appraise myself and talk about my strengths and weaknesses. That’s hard at the best of times but I’ve gone beyond self-hatred right now, I hardly even believe that I exist. I disappear, day by day, and I don’t know where to start even vaguely describing me. I feel like if anyone else asks me to talk about myself then I’ll probably just get up and walk out, never go back, I can’t fucking do it. I can’t be a normal person.

Nothing is even really going wrong, but I find myself getting so upset over the smallest of things and I’m forcing myself not to cry but people are noticing I’m not happy and I’m having to tell them it’s not because of the tiny thing they’re discussing with me, but I can’t say what it is because I don’t know, I just feel that all I am is tears just waiting to overflow.

It doesn’t help that my mum is ill again and the worse she feels, the worse she is to be around, and she just keeps telling me that I know nothing and my opinion is worthless and I’m a terrible person, and if I was feeling more robust then maybe I could get angry or make some sarcastic joke but all I do is hide away and cry and think how true those things are and I am like a wisp of cloud in a strong breeze and I can’t hold myself together.

There is a folder on my computer that contained a small selection of password-protected files. My CV. Details of courses I thought I might take one day. A story I was trying to write. A tentative timeline of what I might do over the next few years. I went through them one by one and deleted them all. The folder is still there, but empty now, and I think it’s where I’ll write my suicide note. It seems fitting that I keep it where I used to keep my hopes and plans for the future.

I just keep crying. Gut-wrenching sobs that make me feel like I can’t breathe, then when I calm down the tears just stream down my face without movement or thought from me. I can’t live. Life is good, but not for me, and when I close my eyes I see myself committing suicide, varying methods each time, I can almost feel my limbs moving to perform the necessary actions. The only way to feel calm or peaceful at all is to focus heavily on dying and imagine I’m doing it.

What am I supposed to do? I can’t live.

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4 Responses to "Worse"

I’ve been there and it’s very hard you have to believe me when I tell you that there is hope…A year ago I wrote my suicide note and my wil….I haven’t read your other posts yet (I’m on the WordPress reader) so if you haven’t done that yet please go seek medical help. You have all the signs of major depression, the doctor will probably give you a break from work for a while so you can focus on getting better. I suggest seeing a psychologist also, It’s even more important than the doctor but your job won’t be satisfied by a note from a psychologist (don’t ask me why). Have you tried meditation? It helped me sleep when I was at my worse and I didn’t have my sleeping pills…. just youtube guided meditation…Hang in there! Hugs!

Laura —

“What am I supposed to do? I can’t live.”

Oh, Honey. Of course you can. Right now you’ve just lost touch with the idea that you want to. Depression is such a bitch that way, I know. Go ahead and cry when you need to, then have a cup of tea and a bite to eat and a nap. Don’t try to figure it out — let your brain off the hook and just try to take care of your body (sleep, fuel, hydration, oxygen, and movement) until your brain is ready to play nice again. It will be.

I’m hoping you’ll give us an update of how you are soon. I’ll also second the other commenter’s remark — if you are not currently getting either therapy or meds, please seek professional support. If you don’t want to talk about it, point a therapist at this blog to explain.

I tripped on your blog accidently while doing random “lonely depressed dysthymia” searches. (My version of “how to rub my nose in it” when life sucks.) The post I first landed on was somewhere a few years back in your blog, and your blog title and writing style struck a chord with me, so I poked around more posts to get a feel for your story.

Mine’s different, and yet has some parallels. I’m much older than you (decades), in the US (I think you’re from the UK?), and have also struggled with my life and mental health, off and on, since I was around your age. I struggle just with the “down” side; never had any indication that I cycle. I’m just depressed or not.

Because I read quite a bit (not all) of your story, I think I see some patterns. I want to offer a few things for perspective. I’m not saying I know you well enough to be sure of this –YMMV. For myself, I’ve not found solutions that “fix” it all, but I have found some things that make coping and getting back on an even keel possible with a little focus/ effort/ help.

Self analysis is a very tricky thing. Sometimes one finds an insight, but sometimes one is just “stuck”, just carving deeper into a ditch. Like picking off a scab repeatedly. I’m afraid your blogging about it is reinforcing that problem. Use someone else you trust as a sounding board, OR change the “mental music” for a while, any way you can.

Get out — get away — go for a walk (you can do that without people if you are feeling anti-social –just move). Not for “exercise”, just stroll along, see the sights, people-watch without interacting, whatever. More muscle/ breathing/ blood-flow, ZERO rumination. It’s like a gentle form of moving meditation. In a park or a mall or whatever is convenient.

Go help someone else with something else mindless (volunteer at an animal shelter or a food bank or a nursing home or a child-care center or … doesn’t matter, as long as you are focusing on what someone else needs, not on yourself). Help an elder relative with their groceries or cooking or something.

Humor helps — even dark, self-deprecating humor. Funny books, movies, blogs, cartoons, YouTube. Whatever you like. Laughter really IS the best medicine — go get some!

You are a very clear and cogent writer. You describe times when you are either trending “manic” or “depressed” with clarity and engaging detail. But it seems like you haven’t noticed your own patterns, either as they are happening or in hindsight. Go back through your blog and make a little calendar (going up, going down). What were your triggers? What got you out? I think you will find both a clear seasonal pattern, a clear “I had something else keeping me busy/ focused” pattern and a clear “Mum” pattern.

You and your mother don’t exactly bring out the best in one another, do you? That dynamic needs better boundaries for both your sakes — definitely something for a therapy discussion. No one ever “solves” the parent/child teeter-totter, they just find a way to either stay aboard at a speed they can manage or a way to get off.

My Mom and I are actually friends now. In controlled doses. It took awhile to get here, but it was worth it.

Get enough exercise, and you will sleep better. Lying around moping makes us sluggish, but NOT tired enough to trigger all the neurochemistry of sleep.

Try to see real sunlight early in the day, and turn OFF the e-screens when it’s o’dark-thirty — the natural light cycle REALLY programs the natural sleep cycle, and derailing that by blogging in the wee hours isn’t helping.

Life is a lot longer and more convoluted than most 20-somethings can even begin to picture. Don’t worry about “figuring out who you are” and what you are going to do for the next umpteen years. Just BE who you are for today. Long range planning isn’t a requirement. When you are ready for goals, they will find you.

I’m 50-something, and I’m not always sure I remember why I want to live. But it usually comes back to me if I focus on taking care of my body and my friends and family and stop trying to burrow into my own fractured brain for the answer. Good luck on your journey — it’s a bumpy ride, but better than you believe right now.

Kris

Hi Laura,
Like you I have cyclothymia as well. I know exactly how you are feeling, I’ve been in the same place. Being so depressed that you no longer want to live is a frequent place I visit. I am still here thanks to my doctor, my medications, my husband, and my children. This thing called mental illness is a living hell, but try not to let it win. That is what I have learned.
Gwen

Hi Laura, my name is Dan. I’m 28 years old. I have never been diagnosed with anything, but I have never gone to get checked. I came across your blog and was suprised to find someone whos words could easily have been my own. I feel the same as you about life. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. If you ever need to talk to someone feel free to email me. Homynykd@gmail.com

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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