Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Re-treading old ground

Posted on: December 6, 2013

I feel afraid.

I have a little time off work, just using up holidays, and immediately my sleep pattern has fallen away (hello, 4am!). Maybe I feel like shit because I’m not sleeping, maybe the causal relationship goes the other way, or maybe it’s all a coincidence. I don’t know.

When I read a book, I don’t really enjoy plot twists. I can get into them if I try, but that moment where everything gets turned upside down…I can’t really deal with that. I know it’s stupid to expect everything to be the same, to want every book to be a description of the status quo, but I always drag my feet when it comes to change.

I try to move forward, eventually, because I must. Change is terrifying, but stagnation is suffocating. I lurch forward, never knowing if it’s the right thing to do, aiming for things because I feel I have to, never knowing if having is better or worse than not having. I am afraid to change, and afraid to stay the same.

I have trouble imagining a future. I mean, I can imagine it, but I can’t fully believe it’ll happen. I imagine, one day, having a house. Living alone. I would try to write a book about what it means to be me: always alone, a loneliness that doesn’t go away when other people are there, the presence of others only brings awkwardness and no relief. I don’t know if alone is itself a bad thing. Just that it’s my natural state and I don’t want the alternative, but that doesn’t mean I’m always happy, does it?

What am I doing? Where am I going? When is anything going to start making sense? When am I going to start feeling like a real human being with any sense of agency or control over what happens to me?

For the first time in a while, I’m thinking of death. It seems to be the only way to cut out the decision between changing and staying the same. I don’t want to live with my decisions, so the only answer is not to live. It’s not that I’m particularly making plans or anything, it’s just that this is an ending I can’t seem to avoid. I’ve never been able to.

What am I suppose to do? I’m paralysed by indecision. I stay the same in all aspects of my life until it’s painful to do this, and then I take a deep breath and change something, and that feels like jumping off a cliff, the dizzy headrush and blood thudding around my ears, lights flashing in my eyes, the horrible silence that’s only silence in your head, when your brain shuts out everything so all you know is your own implosion.

I can’t keep doing this.

Seriously. I feel old and scared and tired and useless. Just being alive isn’t supposed to be this hard.

I can’t handle being around people (I can’t begin to describe how much I need peace and quiet, noises controlled by me, stillness and calm, the absence of the shrill noises that batter my head like a woodpecker when people talk for no reason, creating their own white noise, no distracting movements of other people who can’t keep still and have to keep invading my vision. I’m not a misanthropist. It’s just that if I spend too much time with other people then more and more I feel like my nerves are frayed and I can’t rest and I get irritable and I just want my duvet and a brew and to only have to concentrate on one thing at a time.

But I can’t be trusted, alone. Look how bad I am with a few days off work. It”d be worse. Remove the routine and the pressure and I’d stop sleeping, eat irregularly, break commitments, not function, fall apart. The things that make me feel like shit are the things that force me to live a relatively normal life.

I feel that the world and I are incompatible. I feel that whatever I do, I’ll make myself unhappy. I feel that I’m just making everything worse for myself, no matter what I do.

I feel that I should be over this by now.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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