Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Aside

Posted on: November 26, 2013

I don’t really know what to do.

It’s not that life is going badly. Mood-wise, I’m probably the best I’m ever going to be, to be honest. Things aren’t quite right – I’m still having some pretty horrible blips, but by and large they’re briefer and less frequent, not the constant turmoil of past years. On the whole, things are within the realms of normal – cheerful sometimes, a little subdued other times, and only occasionally getting out of control, doing things I regret or plunging into a pit of suicidal despair. I am having periods of being okay, and they are taking up most of my time now. I’m functioning, and that’s no small thing.

All that bullshit completely took over my life for such a long time, and now all that’s left is the space it’s left behind. I feel that something is missing. I wandered off whatever path my life was on, and now I’m stuck in the wilderness somewhere. No purpose and no direction. Largely I am pretty receptive to the idea of being alive for the foreseeable future, and because of that I feel I’ve gained so much time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

I don’t really know who I am, what I’m doing or where I’m going. All these years of being unpredictable and terrified have left me with so little confidence that, even if I knew what I wanted to do, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it. I’m so shy. I hate that this is me now, so timid, having to plan everything to death in order to make myself do anything, just so scared of anything going wrong and my entire life collapsing around me.

I guess I’m just finding it hard to move on. I need to find a way to expand and grow and not just stay like this forever…I could live the rest of my life like this and get eaten by regret.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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