Seven o’clock in the morning, I’m still awake
Posted on: September 29, 2013
Everything is dull and grey and out-of-focus, the horrible light of the early hours, when everything seems realer and duller and more miserable than at any other time of the day.
I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what I’m doing.
At work, I’ve been reacquainted with a previous boss, and he’s so fucking good at his job. He’s trying to help me. Gently pushing, encouraging, praising. Making me feel like my contribution is worthwhile. Setting me special tasks – complex, challenging, new – because he knows I’d get bored otherwise, and if I get bored then I just give up. He wants me to have an aim, and he wants to help me move towards it. I don’t know how to tell him what I want. Sometimes I want to yell at everyone to stop movement, stop progress, just wait, stay still for a moment so I can gather my thoughts, this perpetual lurching forward makes me feel sick. Sometimes I want to collapse in a heap and finally admit out loud: I lack drive because I lack confidence. I lack direction because I have yet to convince myself that my future exists. I only survive by living completely in the present.
At home, everything is the same. I don’t have the energy to give details. It’s all just the same. Exhausting just to think about.
I feel…separate. Can’t connect with anyone. I can chat but not talk. I can make people laugh and listen to their problems and give them advice, but if they want to hang out with someone, it won’t be me they choose. I don’t know how to make a meaningful connection with anyone, and I don’t even know if I want to. I’ve spent my whole life struggling with that one: do I notice the lack of closeness because I want it, or because everyone else expects me to have it? I think I could probably live quite happily alone, never connecting with anyone, if only people didn’t insist on reminding me as regularly possible how weird that is.
I can’t sleep. I can’t think. Everything is a dream. A dull, pointless dream.
I’m too afraid to move.
1 | Vanessa
October 7, 2013 at 9:01 am
Wow, on a bad day I could’ve wrote this. I hope it gives you some heart to know you aren’t alone at all, just as I take comfort in knowing I’m not alone either.
Vanessa