Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I applied for the job

Posted on: August 22, 2013

I was in two minds about whether or not to, but then, in a brief moment of care-free decisiveness, I thought fuck it. If I don’t apply, I’ll always wonder what might have happened.

I should have been able to predict it, really.

I didn’t even get an interview.

I probably didn’t deserve one. The application form was a little rushed, and maybe I’d have been taking up interview time that would otherwise be used for someone who actually knew what they wanted, and wasn’t just looking for some sort of illusion of progress.

Everyone I work with told me I would be really good at the job. Maybe I believed my own hype a little too much. But it got to a point where everyone was telling me I should apply, that I’d get it easily, that I had nothing to lose and would be stupid not to, so I just went for it, and I fucked it up. It’s quite embarrassing, really.

The thing about potential is that it’s quite easily gambled away. If I hadn’t applied, I could have spent all my time cheerfully thinking, “I could have got that job. I just chose not to”. I’d still have the potential, then, and even if it was bullshit it would still feel like something. But now I don’t even have this. I tried, and I failed. Story of my life.

And now I have to face everyone, and deal with them trying to console me, or wondering why I wasn’t considered, wondering what I’d done wrong. I have to pretend I’m not bothered. I wasn’t, really, but after I submitted the application I was mentally preparing for the interview, and I let myself think, for the first time in ages, I really want this. I only thought it, didn’t say it, but it’s still pretty hard to take back.

It’s not that I’m surprised. I wouldn’t give me a position of responsibility either. It’s just that I gave in, I got involved in the process of making myself vulnerable, and it was all for nothing. I’m worried that people will think I’m arrogant, now, applying for jobs I’m vastly unsuitable for. I’m scared they’ll all be laughing at me behind my back.

I’m fucking good at my job. I hold everything together. In the absence of a manager, I’m the person everyone comes to, I’m the person who sorts stuff out and helps people achieve the most they can. I’m trusted to do that. I’m trusted to hold the fort, to fix problems, to give advice, to train people and give feedback and to call myself “senior”. They trust me to do that. They tell me I do it well, and I regularly get prizes for it. But I don’t even get an interview for a position that involves doing all of that plus having a bit more responsibility. That’s a step too far, it seems.

I’m surrounded by people who tell me they want me to get the job so I can be their boss and sort everything out, or else people who tell me they really want me not to get the job, because they’re scared I’d be moved elsewhere in the company, and not be available to help them. Everybody thinks I can do it, apart from the people whose decision it actually is.

What’s the point in being good at my job if being good at my job doesn’t lead anywhere? If this is the best I can be, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? In all honesty, I do know that reacting like this, being so devastated at a rejection, is an indicator that they’ve made the right decision. I obviously don’t have the right temperament to deal with any kind of stress at all.

Being good at my job was sort of my thing. I don’t have anything else…

  • Shit qualifications
  • My family hates me
  • My friendships are superficial at best
  • No hobbies
  • No interests
  • No love-life
  • No plan of any sort
  • And now I suppose I’ll have to add: Stuck in a dead-end job with no hope of progression

For a life to be worth living, you have to have some sort of hope or comfort in one aspect of your life. I suppose a good life would contain something to look forward to in many of those things.

I won’t apply again. I’ve made a fool of myself once, I can’t change that, but I’m drawing a line under it. I’m not going back. I’m not going to let my bosses ‘help’ me dissect everything that went wrong, I’m not going to let myself get convinced to apply next time a job of this or any sort comes along. I’m not going to be so deluded as to think myself worthy of consideration in the future.

So I’ve wasted my one chance. What do I do now? I don’t have the self-esteem to apply for jobs elsewhere. I’m stuck.

There’s a part of me that’s worried that it’s because of this. That somehow they know how fucked up I am and that’s why they don’t want to know. The thought of anyone knowing makes me feel sick.

Honestly, I feel like running away. My running away instinct has always been strong, but I’ve lacked the courage. I’ve got some time booked off soon. I could tell my parents I was going to visit a friend, and then just get on a train and disappear. Go somewhere I can’t be found, where no-one knows me, and kill myself. My heart aches for that. I’m so tired of being known, of having to act in a certain way because it’s expected of me. I just want to be a stranger, and die.

It’s so easy to be a pessimist. You don’t have to be depressed to feel like shit in this situation. This is what happens when you want things, when you try, when you peep over the parapet and admit to possessing a modicum of ambition. You get crushed.

Everyone knows. I can practically hear them now. She’s the one who applied for that job, what was she thinking? I can’t believe I let people tell me I was good enough. I can’t believe that I did it, that I took such a stupid risk. I want to take it back. I want that comfortable position back, not this horrible, awkward one.

I haven’t got anything to aim for any more. This is it. I don’t know what to do from here.


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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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