Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Birthday blues

Posted on: August 9, 2013

This morning, I woke up crying. I’d been half-awake, half-asleep, curled up in bed (having a lie-in on the day-off I’d specifically arranged, solitude as a birthday gift to myself), and  there had been a dream, or a fantasy, or an illusion in my head.

A voice, telling me it’s okay to die. No guilt, no indecision, no fear. And a gift – I can’t remember the details, but something along the Magic Button lines. Press this and you will die, immediately. In my mind, I was reaching for it before the explanation was complete.

And I came to full consciousness, and there was no voice, no gift, and no truth in what I’d been dreaming, and I cried the kind of uncontrolled, chest-shaking sobs that I haven’t experienced in a long time. I can’t begin to describe the relief and longing I’d felt in that dream, or the hollow reality of waking up. Because no-one can take the guilt or the worry out of suicide, and no-one can provide a guaranteed, uncomplicated method – and even if those things were possible, no-one knows me well enough to set me free like that.

Even when things are going well, I would press the Magic Button without a moment’s hesitation. Take away my fear and my duty, and I’d be dead already.

Birthdays hit me badly. I know I’m only a day older than I was yesterday, no matter how much we all pretend it’s a year, but I can’t make myself feel it. And it’s a milestone, which feels worse. A quarter of a century I’ve been on this planet, and what the fuck have I done with it?

I’ve felt old for most of my life. I’ve always felt like I’ve somehow missed the point at which I could have started to live properly, to be happy and successful. I’ve always felt a little too late, and wished I could tear everything up and start again. And all the time I’ve been feeling that, I’ve been wasting my life more. Time’s been rushing by, and I haven’t noticed, because I was so caught up in regretting time already lost.

I’m 25. When am I going to start living?


3 Responses to "Birthday blues"

The survivor (luckily) of two suicide attempts, and I can really promise you I`ve been there. I have had sobbing fits, I have been in hell, and I was sure I couldn`t and shouldn`t try to walk out of there. I am glad I did, because my life is wonderful today. I know it sounds cliche, but it IS worth it. It don`t matter what your situation is, and I know it might be bad, but the truth is, it WILL become better. The only thing you know if you`r dead, is that it has absolutely no chance of ever coming better, and that would really be a pity if something great was just around the corner. Get up, fight the thoughts dragging you down, and take care of yourself. You are 25, and life is there, just take tiny baby steps will get you to new places.

I know it doesn’t help, but I feel exactly the same. If such a button existed… No hesitation. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. X

Todays my bday and ive been laying here crying all day. Im 28. But today I feel 100. I wish that magic button of yours was here with me.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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