Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Blah

Posted on: May 23, 2013

I’m feeling pretty bad again. Just generally shit.

Lonely. As always, I don’t have any desire to be particularly close to anyone. I’m not longing for closeness. Just to not always be alone. I know it messes me up to be always dwelling on my thoughts. This week, my dad is always working when I’m not. I hardly see my brother anyway, and I find it difficult to spend time with my mum, so mostly I’ve just been hiding away in my room when I’m not at work.

Work is alright. They think quite highly of me, I think, and they give me interesting things to do. But I’m still feeling trapped. I don’t know what my next move is. I don’t like feeling like I have nothing to aim for, but from the situation I’m in the only thing I could aim for would be a different role within the same company, a promotion, and I’m not very good at being ambitious, because it feels like arrogance and then I give up.

Today, I fell out with a friend. It wasn’t a proper argument. A minor disagreement that blew out of proportion because neither of us would back down, and now we’re not really speaking to each other. It was something and nothing and will probably just get forgotten, but it was a friend I’ve always felt a certain affinity with, someone who always seemed to get me, and now I feel like maybe I’m a terrible person, maybe I’ve said or done something awful and not realised it and now I’ve scared yet another friend away.

I suppose I’m just feeling a little fragile. It’s always the same, I know. I feel like I’m not getting anywhere.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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