Loopy, Lonely and Lost

According to my mother:

Posted on: May 5, 2013

I am stupid. I’m a bitch. I’m useless. I don’t know or understand anything. My opinions are worthless. I‘m worthless. She’s probably going to die and it’s all my fault. Everything I say is pointless and stupid. There’s no point in listening to me. I’m selfish and evil and wrong about everything. If I express an opinion, I’m interfering. Nothing is anything to do with me. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t think. I dig my fingernails into my flesh as hard as I can, trying to get a grip on something, trying to feel something real. Every exhale shakes and shudders its way through my lungs. I don’t cry – can’t cry. I don’t feel any emotion that I feel capable of expressing. I’m clumsy and useless and forgetful. My job and my friendships and my life all seem pointless. I’ve forgotten why I’ve been trying so long to be okay.

I feel like giving up. I feel like never leaving my bed. I don’t want to think, I don’t want to listen, I don’t want to always be in this position where I’m a parasite.


1 Response to "According to my mother:"

Heya, I just found your blog by chance today and read a bit of your articles, I don’t know anything about your life or what you are going through exactly but I know you feel bad and you were thinking of hurting yourself, and I just wanted to say, please, don’t do it. I know life can feel like hell and like there is no where to go, but one day it will get better, it will, so please, just don’t do anything to yourself. Don’t listen to people making you feel bad, don’t let them get to you, *hug*

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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