Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Going backwards

Posted on: March 23, 2013

I hurt myself last night. It’s been a while.

Everything just sort of built up to a frenzy and I couldn’t stop my brain from whirring around and telling me how awful I am and how I’m going to have to die, so I took some scissors to my thigh until I couldn’t think any more. I didn’t do too much damage – now, 24 hours later, the marks are not much more than faint scratches.

I know that if I hurt myself enough I can detach my mind from my body and go into a sort of trance. I don’t know how it works but if I cause myself enough physical pain I can attain a good 8 or 10 hours of blankness – silent, still, spaced out – then a few hours more after that of a lesser, more functioning detachment. I don’t like relying on it. I know that the more I do it, the higher the threshold will be, the more pain I’ll have to inflict to flick the switch that shuts my brain down. But it’s there if I need it, and I’ve been needing it lately. I’ve been itching to cause myself some damage for a couple of weeks. I suppose I’m lucky that this was all it took to scratch that itch.

When I hurt myself, it’s like it shuts off all the background noise in my brain. Where minutes ago there were countless thoughts zooming about, bumping into each other, wrestling for space, when I’m in that post-harm haze I can hardly form a coherent thought. I just breathe. My shoulders relax and I lie down and even if I can’t sleep I at least feel a switching-off. I at least feel like my mind isn’t running at 100 miles an hour.

I know this is a bad thing. It’s a habit I got out of before, and I don’t intend to make it a regular occurrence. I don’t like needing anything, and this is no different.

I feel like I’m regressing, going back to a time when I couldn’t cope all the time, when I was hurting myself several times a day because spaced out was better than sobbing and wailing. I’m falling back on mechanisms I thought I’d escaped. I thought I could cope without this stuff.

I can handle stress. I can handle pressure. A certain amount of pressure makes meĀ good. But if I do one thing wrong, I fall apart, wallowing in guilt and regret and sullen excuses and self-hatred. Difficult things are good, as long as I can do them. I get caught out by a small thing and I spiral out of control.

I feel like a part of me is running away, and the rest of me is struggling to keep it in sight. I feel stretched and panicky and always lagging behind.


2 Responses to "Going backwards"

Stay strong and just breath

Hi Just read your blog and I felt I was reading about myself I am trying so hard not to use self harm to control my Cyclothymia but sometimes it is the only way I understand your frustrations totally.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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