Loopy, Lonely and Lost


Posted on: February 9, 2013

Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

I’m just so relieved to feel so good.

I’ve been shouting and singing and leaping about the house. All of a sudden I’ve become quick-witted again, blurting out one-liners that make people burst into laughter.

I’ve been doing so well at work that my boss and my boss’s boss and everyone around me has been laughing at me and looking perplexed, my performance in the first week of February almost matching my performance for the whole of January. My boss has been nominating me for rewards “just for being you”.

I’ve just generally been feeling productive and cheerful and giggly and charismatic and capable and a whole bunch of pretty good things, for a week or so really, rising day by day, and I feel like I’m heading full-throttle into some sort of crescendo, and I can feel excitement like jitters, like nerves and happiness and challenge and hope and a little bit of fear all in one.

I’ve sort of stopped sleeping again. Getting up in the middle of the night to pace my room. To do silly little dances. To enact imaginary conversations. To peer out of the window in a daze.

I used to think I could live my whole life like this. Dancing around my bedroom to no music. Being the funniest, the loudest, the cleverest, the best I could ever be. Answering every question I ever hear, even if it’s not for me – vaguely aware it must be irritating, that I’m butting in, but if you know something you should share the knowledge, shouldn’t you? Not just sit there, tapping your feet and rolling your eyes as everyone ums and ahs. I chat away and talk about all the things that interest me (which is more or less all things), and then I hear friends and colleagues telling each other, “Oh my God, she knows everything“, and I laugh and dismiss it, because I can be modest, I don’t need them to compliment me, I’m not craving reward or recognition, just…companionship. An audience. Someone to witness me at my best.

I realise all of that sounds really arrogant. I’m sorry. It’s just so rare lately that I feel so alive and so right and so happy.

I sort of know there will inevitably be a come-down. I’m just hoping it’s not for a long time.


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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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February 2013
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