Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Sudden waves of suicidality

Posted on: January 26, 2013

Like a punch in the gut.

I gasp, and struggle to breathe. I feel cold all over. I cry. I get restless. I don’t feel like myself anymore.

All I can think is die die die I need to die.

Endless scenarios running through my head, playing like film, all the ways it could happen. I forget my promises, I forget my vows, I forget what anything else feels like. I’m filled with death. Thoughts and images and plans and scenarios.

All my carefully-plotted reasons for living evaporate. Nothing matters, nothing exists, my heart races, adrenalin courses through my body and all I know is get out, escape, run.

Really, it’s come from nowhere. Little things have been pissing me off. I’ve been feeling a bit down. But life hasn’t thrown anything unusual at me. Everything that’s been happening has been well within the normal realms of my life. Then all of a sudden it hits me – the realisation that I have to kill myself.

I’m terrified because I feel out of control. I haven’t had to protect myself from myself in a long time, and I always used to get warnings, I think. It used to build up gradually to a crescendo. But tonight it’s like a bang on the head or the slam of a door or a fucking earthquake.

I feel sick. My hands are shaking. My skin feels sensitive, itching with the urge I have to tear it to shreds. I feel dizzy and frightened. I already feel guilty.

I’m starting to regain myself. I’m keeping myself safe, for now. It’s like dealing with a child, it’s like saying, “yes, yes, of course, we’ll do what you say in a minute, now just come and sit here with me for now”. 

It’s been a long time since I felt something so violent for no real reason. I’m worried.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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