Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Things are getting difficult

Posted on: January 25, 2013

I thought I was doing okay, but people are starting to notice.

I just can’t be bothered with anything. My bones feel heavy. It takes so long to get out of bed in the morning, so long to do anything. I can’t make decisions properly, I can’t think clearly. I can’t do anything. I’d be embarrassed to admit how long it is since I’ve had a bath or shower, how long it is since I went anywhere other than home and work, how long it is since I felt enthusiastic about anything.

As you can probably tell from my last post, life at home is as difficult and tiring as ever. Everything is such a struggle with my family. I wish my home felt like home. I wish I could sit here and feel calm and relaxed and settled, but there’s always so much shouting and sniping and resentment that I spend most of my time here feeling scared and agitated.

I’m finding work hard, too. I’ve been getting more responsibility. I’ve been handling difficult situations for managers, I’ve been training new members of staff, I’m the person everyone comes to when they need help or support or advice. When the bosses go for meetings, I’m in charge. The day before my manager has a day off, he briefs me on what everyone needs to do while he’s not there, and asks me to try to make sure it gets done. I deal with his complaints, I sort his admin, I give him my opinions and recommendations. We’ve recently had a new computer system installed, and I’ve quickly become the go-to person for help with that, too. On top of all of this, I still have to do the role that’s in my job description, too, and I get so little time to actually do this that I get worried and self-conscious, thinking people think I’m not doing anything.

Normally, I’d actually really enjoy all this extra work. It’s challenging, it’s full of variety, I get to feel useful. But when I feel like shit my life shrinks, and I feel drained. I don’t know if I have the energy to keep it all up. My manager keeps asking if I’m alright, and I didn’t think I’d given him any reason to think I’m not, but he often looks worried when he asks, and I don’t know how to convince him I’m fine.

I think the problem is that I can’t say no. Not just at work, but in all aspects of my life. If you ask me to do something, I’ll do it. I’m scared of letting people down, of not pulling my weight, of being seen to be lazy or useless. And especially at work – I know people give me challenges because  they think I’ll do well at them, and there really isn’t anyway to say that sometimes I’ll manage and sometimes I’ll fall apart. I know that if I admit to any vulnerability I’ll be a disappointment and I’ll have to go back to a more monotonous daily routine (and boredom is the last thing I need).

I know my mood is plummeting when my sense of humour takes a turn for the dark. I’ve lost count of the number of twisted, angry, miserable things I’ve been saying lately that I’ve covered up with a hint of a laugh. I feel like I spend most of my time telling people, “I don’t care if I die”, and I’m not sure how much I mean it. It’s a joke, and they laugh with me, but honestly, if you told me now that I was going to die, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight.

Nothing matters. Not sleep, not food, not drink. Not friends, not family, not work. Not anything. I don’t feel calm, I don’t feel rested, I don’t feel confident. I just feel tired and very small.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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