Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Christmas

Posted on: December 24, 2012

I’m sleeping really badly (it’s half past three in the morning and I’m wide awake and wired).

I’ve been going on long, rambling, self-righteous rants (mostly, but not exclusively, at my mother – pointing out hypocrisy and idiocy and everything that makes me angry).

I’m getting quite badly anxious, as well. My friend invited me out for his birthday, and before I could go I had to bombard him with texts: Who’s going? Will we be going on to anywhere else? What should I wear? What time should I arrive? When will I be going home? I’m so angry with myself that I can’t just get an invitation, say yes, grab a bag and go.

Another friend said she was going to come to my house to drop off a Christmas present. I stayed awake for 36 hours in blind terror that I might be asleep when she arrived. It made absolutely no sense, and I kept telling myself that, but I couldn’t switch off my brain.

I’ve got some time off work for Christmas, and that’s probably a good thing because my head isn’t in the right place, and they’re all expecting me to be good at my job (I got the pay-rise, by the way. Now they keep asking me what I want to do next, and letting me coach other people, and stand in for managers) and I’m terrified of being found out, of them realising that it’s all a lie and I’m useless. But maybe if I was at work I’d have something to concentrate on and my mind wouldn’t be whizzing around like a Catherine Wheel stuck on a fence.

I just want to relax. I want to spend the Christmas period hanging out with friends and watching TV and eating and drinking too much and laughing and chatting, calm and lazy and enjoying that I don’t have anything to do. Instead I’m twitchy and irritable and nervous, biting people’s heads off and over-thinking everything.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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