Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Changes

Posted on: December 3, 2012

I’ve been doing well at work. Really well. It’s like something’s just clicked, the past couple of months, and I’ve gained the drive and the self-belief that I was lacking. It’s amazing what a difference a bit of confidence can do. I’ve been working hard, I’ve been less and less afraid, and now I’m on the brink of a pay-rise (I don’t need the money, I don’t need anything, but it’s symbolic, it’s like a promotion, it’s recognition).

But, just recently, the good feeling has developed something of an edge to it. I mean, I’m fine. I’m in control. But there is a hint that it’s going too far, that the confidence that was working so well for me is becoming arrogance (my ego is like the universe; the bigger it gets, the faster it grows). I’m taking over. I’m butting in. I’m taking charge. I can’t hear a question without answering it, even if it’s not directed at me. I’m loud and brash, abrasive even. I’m finding myself assuming that my opinion will be valued, even when other people seem to be doing just fine without it.

I find myself tapping my feet and clicking my fingers. I’m more tactile, grabbing people by the hand or the arm when I want them to pay attention to me. I’m restless, always getting up to walk around, to stride about like I have something important to do.

I’m becoming irritable. I’m acting without thinking. I’m being too honest, speaking without tact and without subtlety. I’m dancing about and singing along to music at every opportunity. I’m acting like I’m better than other people, like I’m more important, and I see myself doing it and I worry, momentarily, that someone will mind, but then I get distracted by something and I don’t stop to think that I’m treading on people’s toes, that I’m making a nuisance of myself.

I think I’m probably being less than pleasant. I think I’m probably annoying everyone. But there’s an enormous part of me that doesn’t mind, that wants to just be swept up by this tide and not think, just wait to become conscious again when I settle wherever it deposits me.

I feel happy because I’m feeling good about myself, I feel driven and competent and ambitious, I feel like there is some purpose in my life. But there are alarm bells going off because everyone keeps asking me what’s happened, why I’m acting differently, why I’m talking so quickly about so many ridiculous things, and I want to feel good but I don’t want to fuck everything up.

I need to calm down. I need to sleep properly. It’s the only protection I have against losing control.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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