Loopy, Lonely and Lost

More anxiety

Posted on: May 16, 2012

I can feel the tendrils of anxiety creeping their way around me again. It’s not as bad as it was a few days or a week ago, but it’s rising, and it feels like it’s going to build up to another epic crescendo.

I wish I had something I could do. I’m standing on the tracks and I can see the train approaching and my feet won’t move, I don’t know how to get out of the way, and all I can do is stand and watch and I’m trying to breathe deeply and distract myself but it’s unbelievably pointless.

It’s coming in wave after wave lately, and even when it recedes I know the tide will come back in and I’ll be swept away again.

I’m not really being myself. I’m being quiet and small and constantly bright red in the face. When I try to communicate with people, my words come out too loud or too weird and every comment misses the spot and leaves people looking confused, and it’s because I’m trying too hard, I’ve forgotten how to be around people.

My new department at work must be disappointed. My new boss must feel like he’s been duped. My previous boss thought I was loud and cheerful and efficient. He said I had good leadership skills. My new boss says he’s heard good things about me, and all I can think is that he will have been told I’m confident and competent and organised and sociable, and I’m not being any of these things, I’m just sitting around like I’m lost and scared.

Work are sort of doing everything right, though, and I feel lucky in that respect. Yesterday, my boss’s boss arranged for me to have some special coaching, because she knew my training had been rushed. And she was kind and reassured me that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and said she didn’t want me to feel worried and like I couldn’t do my job because of a lack of training. I think that’s good. But the anxiety isn’t really work-related. Work is just something that’s complicating it. I suspect that if I spent all my time in the house, I’d feel exactly the same, the only benefit being that fewer people would be there to witness the way I’m disintegrating.

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My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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May 2012
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