Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Horrible thoughts

Posted on: May 8, 2012

I’m having big, horrible, unavoidable thoughts of self-harm. It’s actually really bad. I can almost see it. I can almost feel it even, my skin is crawling with the need to be ripped apart.

I’m not particularly suicidal. I’m not really thinking about life and death. I feel like my brain is trying to destroy me and I’m trying to keep myself safe, distracting myself when I can and, when there’s no room in my head for anything but blood and gore and destruction, I’ve been sitting on my bed, out of reach of anything that can do me harm, pretending I’m on some sort of island, and not moving until I’ve gathered the strength to carry on without tearing myself to pieces.

I don’t even really know why it’s got so bad.

I haven’t been overly depressed. I’ve been okay. I just can’t shut these thoughts out.

Every time something goes even slightly wrong – every time I even think about things going wrong – it happens. My mind gets so full of thoughts and images of hurting myself that I can’t think of anything else. It doesn’t really help that I’ve moved departments at work now and really don’t know what I’m doing, so I’m spending all my time asking for help or trying to rectify my mistakes…maybe the stress of that is having some sort of effect on me, but if I can’t even handle that level of stress, what the fuck am I supposed to do with my life? I suppose I’d got too comfortable in my old department, and I think being uncomfortable now and then is probably good for me, but either it’s an unfortunate coincidence or it’s making things worse.

I’m desperate, aching, itching to hurt myself, and I’m making do with tiny things now, trying to stem the tide by pinching loose skin so hard it stings, and scratching at myself with my fingernails, but I can’t shut my brain off, I can’t stop thinking of doing something worse, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

It’s been so long since I’ve hurt myself. I know it would be weak to give in now. But the temptation is almost overwhelming.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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