Loopy, Lonely and Lost

work stuff

Posted on: May 4, 2012

At work, I’m moving to a different department. I sort of agreed on a whim, and because I don’t know how to say no.

They flattered me, and I didn’t think I believed it, but maybe I’m just vain and weak because I’m doing what they wanted of me.

I’m moving from my ridiculously easy, cushy, familiar job, to something that is strange and new and difficult – and which will pay me slightly less. Everyone keeps saying what a great opportunity it is, but fuck, an opportunity for what? I’m feeling a little vulnerable. I bang on and on here about how it’s stability that keeps me going, and now I’ve gone and launched myself into stress and uncertainty.

The people in my current department are so nice, too, and I’m a little bit worried about leaving them. They don’t really know me very well, but they accept me and seem to like me, and the people in the new department seem nice too, but as one of my best work friends said, “they all seem relatively normal: how will you make friends?” (I know it was a joke and that that friend would be shocked to know I’m dwelling on it, but I can’t help but feel there’s a nugget of truth there). But I think there’s a part of me that said yes to the move because I don’t like being too close to people, and some of these people have got too close, and have started trying to make me be more involved in their lives, and I’m scared of that. I think I might have said yes just to prove to myself and the world that I don’t need anyone.

It might just be me, and how I deal with change. I’m feeling nervous and a bit sick and scared. Maybe in a month or two I’ll feel more confident…maybe in six months I’ll be glad I made the change, and I’ll see all these benefits that people keep telling me about. But right now I feel like hitting myself for being so stupid and leaving something that – if dull – is at least something I know I can do, and just leaping head-first into something I don’t know or understand.

I’m scared that I’ve taken one of the few consistent things in my life and turned it on its head.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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