Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I’ve been having a bit of anxiety

Posted on: April 22, 2012

I don’t usually think of myself as a generally anxious person. I present an image of myself as calm, rational and unflappable. I don’t really express worry or fear. If you come to me with a problem, I’ll stay focused and work out a way to solve it. I don’t run about like a headless chicken.

But, every now and then, for a period of a few days or weeks, things get a little out of hand. I can’t wind down, it takes me ages to get to sleep and then I keep waking up, getting out of bed and pacing around. I can feel my heart up in my throat, constricting my windpipe until I can’t breathe. I over-think everything. Every time I do something, I regret it enormously and instantly, and it keeps happening until I feel like I can’t do anything at all.

I did some training at work. I typed up my notes from it, because I can only really learn things by rearranging them into my own words. A colleague asked me to send the notes to her, so I did. And now I’m obsessing over it, thinking she’s laughing at me, thinking I’ve been an idiot, that my work’s not good enough or else I’ve gone and tried too hard and now I look ridiculous. And I know it doesn’t matter but I am afraid.

I can’t think properly. My face keeps going really warm and I think maybe I’m blushing but I don’t know why because that’s not really something that happens to me but maybe the shame of everything is all building up and it has to come out somewhere. I just want to run away from everything all the time.

I just keep making excuses not to do things, not to go to places, not to spend any time with anyone because I can’t be trusted, everything I say and do is a disaster and I’m making everyone hate me by being so weird, if I’m there I don’t fit in and if I’m not there everyone thinks I don’t care.

I don’t really know what to do. I know I probably just need to wait it out but it’s driving me mad, I feel like my skin is crawling and I just need to get away.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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