Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Feeling a bit miserable

Posted on: April 15, 2012

It’s so unbelievably sad to drift away from people. I live within a 5-mile radius of several people I used to call my best friends. Many of them live in places I could walk to in just a few minutes. These are people I used to travel all over the country to see, people who knew me better than anyone else, better than anyone does now. And I hardly see them any more.

On the few occasions we do communicate, I mostly just feel guilt for not trying harder. And I feel anxious about ever seeing them again, because I know it’ll get worse, I know that every time we see each other they’ll keep talking about how long it’s been and asking about my life. I feel so inadequate, as they’re all changing and progressing and growing up, and I am static. My life feels suffocating sometimes, and I feel trapped, and it only feels worse when I see people I’ve known for years and how far they’ve come, and how little my life has changed. I feel left behind.

I don’t really have a problem making friends. I know some people don’t like me, but put me in a group of people and I’ll find someone to hang around with, I’ll find some sort of companionship. It even gets to the point where they’re telling me all about their lives and asking me to spend more time with them. They’re calling me their best friend, but then circumstances change and we’re not forced to spend time together, and it all just fizzles out. I think it might partly be due to the fact I can’t return their honesty and their trust. No matter how much someone confides in me, I can never quite manage to admit that I am a human being with feelings and weaknesses and fears.

I’m so fucking lonely. And I know it’s my fault. I know that I lack the knack of turning acquaintance into real friendship, and I know that I might have more friends if I was more open and tried harder and didn’t put up so many barriers.

I think this might be one of the many reasons I’m too scared to move out of home. My family are unbearable at times, but they’re a constant. They’re people who have expectations of me and that makes me scared and resentful but it keeps me vaguely connected to the human race. I feel like if I lived alone, I’d very quickly become very isolated and sort of forget I’m a person. As it is, I’m scared I’m going to commit suicide. I don’t seem to have much control – or at least, I don’t think I have enough. If you deadpan, “I’m going to kill myself” enough times, people stop laughing and start looking at you like you’re weird. It’s got to the point where even I don’t know if I’m joking.

I can’t even begin to describe how empty and futile my life is. And that’s a problem I don’t know how to solve. I’ve lost a lot of who I was. I don’t have drive or ambition or anything resembling courage any more. I’m just…rotting, I suppose.

I feel like my life is over.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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