Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Another sign of depression.

Posted on: February 25, 2012

My phone rings.

I look at the caller ID. It’s someone I know from work. A friend. We sit together all the time, she tells me about her life and I make her laugh. She’s someone I’m usually comfortable around. We’ve been on nights out together, I’ve even stayed at her house. She’s someone I like spending time with.

I don’t pick up. I watch the phone ring, ring, ring, until it stops.

I don’t wait long enough to see if she’s left a message. I switch off the phone.

Now that  it’s off, I can already feel creeping anxiety about switching it on. It’ll be hours, maybe days before I can face it.

I think maybe things are a little worse than I thought. Last night I spent twelve hours in bed. I got a good few hours’ sleep, but spent a great deal of the night crying and feeling shit and not knowing why and just lying in the dark with my eyes open, vaguely thinking about death.

I don’t really want to admit it. I’ve been doing a very good job of pretending there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I’ve been keeping up appearances, hiding behind a relatively robust shell and ignoring the way everything inside that shell is shriveling and rotting.

I know what’s happening. It’s happened before. I live in a cocoon, isolating myself as much as possible, alienating everyone and ruining all my relationships. I don’t start to feel human again until it’s too late.

I need to stop fucking up. I need some sort of anchor, something to stop me retreating too far into myself. But I don’t think I can resist it. I feel like hibernating. I feel like freezing myself in time. I feel like burying myself under the duvet and waiting for something to change.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 98 other followers

Archives

This blog has been visited

  • 79,821 times.
February 2012
M T W T F S S
« Jan   Mar »
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
272829  
Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: