Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I’m even starting to bore myself now

Posted on: February 7, 2012

Work-wise, things are going really well. I sort of keep winning prizes. Practically everyone in the department comes to me for help, now. My boss keeps giving me little side projects, and my boss’s boss keeps setting me little challenges, asking me what decisions I’d make in different circumstances if I was a manager.

It feels good. It’s always nice to feel like you’re good at something, even though I do have a strong suspicion that people only think I’m good at things because the way I cope with feeling like I can do nothing is by pretending I can do everything.

I’m still sort of struggling with my relationships with people. Everyone seems to expect me to be open about my life and my feelings. People are always telling me their secrets – maybe I have a trustworthy face, or something – but I feel like my privacy’s being invaded just talking about what I had for dinner.

I think people are getting impatient. They just sort of seem to be waiting for me to show that I’m human, to show I have feelings, but it’s been so long since I shared my feelings with anyone, and so much of the time I don’t really have feelings.

I suppose I’m a little blank lately. I’ve been struggling, a little, with sleeping…not so bad as my insomnia has been in the past, but the time it takes me to get to sleep can be measured in hours. I’m feeling a bit worn out. I keep thinking, I’m too tired to live. I keep thinking about taking some time off work, just booking a week off or something, but although that’d mean I get to lie around and relax (and hopefully sleep) more, it’d also mean I lose my structure and routine, and when that happens, things get very bleak. So I have to just keep going, keep up the routine, but I feel so exhausted. Almost – but, maddeningly, never quite – tired enough to pass out.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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