Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Today, my mum hit my dad, quite aggressively, across the head.

I objected. Apparently that means he’s brainwashed me. Apparently that makes me a bitch, in a little group with him, ganging up on her.

Today, my mum started making insulting personal comments about me.

I went upstairs, to get out of the way. She started crying, and telling me I’d upset her.

I know it’s manipulative. I can see her methods, clear as day. But I still feel like a bad person. I still feel the guilt she wants me to feel.

I’m not upset. I mean, I was, a bit. Had a moment in the bathroom, locked away from everyone, with my hands screwed up against my eyes, exhaling shakily, trying not to cry. But largely, I don’t display any signs of being upset.

What the fire does not destroy, it hardens.

These days, if she shouts in my face, I shout right back. Whatever vulnerability I’ve ever had is buried so deep now it’s hardly detectable. I am cold and blank and expressionless, my only visible emotion is anger. It pisses her off. To see me cry would be a triumph for her, and to me that’s all the more reason to stay calm.

I know, for the past few weeks, I’ve been a little unsteady, a little less robust, but largely, things have been getting better. Gradually, I have been feeling stronger, more normal, more capable of dealing with my life.

But when she is like this, I’m scared, all the time. Every time I relax, I imagine her killing someone. I think she’s capable of it. Sometimes I think of killing myself, just to end the anticipation, just to clear up the uncertainty.

When my mum is shouting, my brain gets confused. It sounds stupid. But the sound of her, angry and accusing and crying and yelling, makes me feel uncertain and bewildered. I feel out of control. I can’t focus on her words, or on my thoughts, or on anything other than the noise. I feel like my peace is being obliterated. I feel surrounded by the sounds of her frustration, and I get upset and agitated and have to go to my room and put my pillow over my ears.

I can’t find a way out. I know it’s weak. I know that, at 23, I should be capable of finding somewhere to live, of living alone and being independent. But I’m afraid. Things tend to get a bit out of hand when I’m alone. And at least, if I’m here…I can draw the fire away from my dad and brother. I can help them. I’m so scared of leaving and watching her destroy them from a distance.

I don’t know what to do. I become short-tempered, and isolate myself. Once again, I get preoccupied in vivid imaginings of how I might die. I’m so scared, constantly.