Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I’m fine

Posted on: January 7, 2012

Everything is fine except circumstances.

When I was at uni, I used to feel that my life was fine but my brain was fucked. Everything was going well except I couldn’t control my emotions or my thoughts or any aspect of my life.

Now, I feel more or less the opposite. My mood’s alright. Still having occasional, alarming peaks and troughs, but they happen less, and are less often really bad. I feel like a proper person, capable of being an adult.

But life is terrifying and certain stresses are overwhelming. It’s family, really. I can cope with work stresses without much worry. Even the occasional existential panics about how painfully short and unbearably long life is can be overcome after a while.

But every time my mum accuses someone of trying to sabotage her, or threatens to kill someone, or spends all day crying because getting her own way 99% of the time is so unfair on her and she can’t possibly bear that 1% of someone else having priority, I sort of shut down. I don’t really cry much, because I’m scared of turning into her (an age-old problem, and perhaps something to do with my complete inability to express my emotions). I just sort of sit in my room, very quiet, breathing deeply, covering my ears until her shouting and anger start rattling painfully around my head and I go downstairs and try to reason with her, try to show her what a complete and utter dick she’s being, but then it turns on me and I don’t really have any defences, not when it comes to her, so I go upstairs again and fantasise about hanging myself, not because life is pointless or not worth living but because I feel so fucking trapped and the least I can do for me is get out of here in the least confrontational way I can imagine (you have no idea how fucking hostile everything becomes when I suggest moving out, although she’s happy to threaten me with being made homeless when it suits her). And maybe if I killed myself it’d shock her into actually caring about her family.

It’s bullshit, I know. If I killed myself, she’d probably find a way to blame it on my brother.

I feel trapped, invisible and powerless, and I feel like a weak, whining hypocrite for feeling that, because I’m not trapped, not in any material sense of the world. I have a job, money, health and a smattering of people who call me ‘friend’ and could be relied on to help me in an emergency. The only thing keeping me here is fear.

Fear that the only way to leave this house is by cutting off contact with my family forever.

Fear that, if I leave, I’m abandoning my family to bitching and fighting and never compromising, because I’m the only person here who ever tries to resolve a dispute.

Fear that I don’t have the necessary skills to live alone, and would have to come grovelling back, and they’d never let me forget it.

Fear that, without rules and routine and the way my mother keeps me on my toes, finding myself alone and free, I’d only fall apart again.

Fear that, if I leave, I’m abandoning my family to bitching and fighting and ever compromising, because I’m the only person here who ever tries to resolve a dispute.

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3 Responses to "I’m fine"

I always read Laura, but I haven’t said much, I know. But I am listening and understanding every word.

x P

It is surprising what we can do and what we can endure. Hell, look at what you are enduring on a daily basis! To you, it might feel to you like you are just existing. To me, you embody strength because you withstand what is day in and day out.

I believe in you. I hope one day you will believe in yourself too.

I know what you mean about family, my mother is the same way and my sister and I are both terrified of turning out like her.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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