Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: December 16, 2011

Today, I asked my dad if he’d help me find somewhere to live. He said, “if you want to move out, fuck off”.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to go about it. I’m 23 years old but I have no idea about moving house or what I can afford or what I’d have to do or anything. I feel trapped.

I can’t keep living here. It’s driving me mad.

Today, my mum said that, when my brother was 3, he’d knocked something over in anger, and that was when she knew he was evil.

Fucking three.

He’s a dickhead sometimes, but wouldn’t you be? If, for as long as you could remember, your own mother was telling you what a bad person you were?

She never stops telling him all the ways in which he’s a disappointment. Even when he’s not there, she practices, telling us all the awful things he’s said and done and thought. My dad sticks up for him then, but when he’s in and she’s saying it to his face, my dad joins in. I don’t think he can separate the fact that my brother isn’t perfect, and sometimes does things wrong, and the fact that my mum is persecuting him.

I try to be supportive, I try to help my brother (someone has to), but I’m no good at it, not good enough anyway.

I just keep thinking that I want to kill myself, because this isn’t how the world is supposed to be. I have so much anger building up inside me but I’m not allowed to express it…even annoyance, even cold, unfeeling logic is called silly in this house. I feel like the only way to express how fucking angry I am is to tear myself to shreds. I know it’s stupid. I’m probably not going to do it. It’s just anger and frustration building inside me.

I’m so fucking sick and tired of being the only person who ever tries to get on with people.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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