Loopy, Lonely and Lost

I’m livid

Posted on: December 11, 2011

I know I’m not being a particularly nice person at the moment. I mean, I don’t think my friends mind. They see me being sarcastic and cutting and brutally honest and they think it’s funny. I suppose it is, a bit.

But anyone who knows my family, even a little, will know that my mum doesn’t take well to that kind of attitude.

She’s infuriating. I swear, one of these days I’m just going to scream in her face.

She is constantly needy, constantly crying and asking for sympathy, and that wouldn’t be that annoying if it wasn’t for the fact that she thinks other people shouldn’t be allowed to have feelings.

When I was a child she used to say she couldn’t cope with me. She used to say I was mental and out of control and an inconvenience. She used to threaten to call Social Services and get them to take me away. She even took me to see the doctor once, in the hope that he’d lock me up, forced me to sit there while she told the doctor that I had “something to say”, and smirked at me as I squirmed and made up some bullshit about having headaches sometimes.

(For the record, I know I’m probably not the best judge, but I don’t think there was anything wrong with me. I was a very private child, and occasionally I’d have crying fits…if there was anything out of the ordinary in any of it, I’d say it was probably the standard response of any child to living in an environment in which they’re expected to have no emotions whatsoever. Perhaps I lacked discipline, but I couldn’t have been older than about eight…I used to think that the occasional cracks in my almost-robotic exterior were shameful, but it’s not something I’d blame a child for now.)

I’m okay. I’m trying to keep a lid on my temper. I’m fidgety and irritable and I can’t stop with my comments, constantly pointing out every stupid or hypocritical or ridiculous thing she does. I feel like I have a duty to do that. I can’t handle her bullshit at the moment. I’m impatient a lot, but especially with her (and I resent her. So fucking much. I see her crying over the tiniest thing and all I can see is the serious, dark-haired child I used to be, sitting in the corner, taking deep breaths and learning that all feelings are bad and shameful and must never be expressed).

I’m a bit distracted as well, at the moment. Can’t really stick to anything. I’m not particularly unhappy. Just angry and irritable and unable to put up with the kind of bollocks that always gets spouted at me.

I’m trying to stay in control. I know that that’s important. I went out last night, got a bit drunk, hardly spent any money at all because somehow I’m in a mood in which I’m simultaneously an irritating bitch and the kind of person everyone buys drinks for. I know I need to stop this, stop going out and drinking too much and being an idiot, but I can blame it on the time of year, and at least, last night, I didn’t do anything I regret, so that’s a start.

I’m trying to be calm, but I’m finding it hard to focus. I’m trying to be relaxed, but all I want to do is tell everyone when they’re being an idiot (this applies to me too, by the way. I know I’m a bitch but I’m not immune. I call myself out for idiocy all the time).

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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