Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Should I be worried?

Posted on: December 5, 2011

  • I’ve stopped sleeping properly. I had settled into some sort of rhythm, and it wasn’t too bad, but now I’m just snatching half an hour or an hour, here and there, and not even feeling tired for it.
  • I feel energised. Going for long walks and running around like an idiot and feeling like my heart is pumping sunshine through my body –
  • – but my mind feels weird. I can’t concentrate properly, I’ve got a million different thoughts at once and they’re hard to organise. Everybody keeps saying I’m being particularly quick-witted…every time anyone says anything, I’ve got a funny response to it straight away. But I’m also going off on tangents and talking about things no-one understands and doing this weird thing where I talk really fast and really loud but don’t really look at anyone because I’m not talking for their benefit, I’m talking because it helps me find some sort of order in my thoughts.
  • I’ve been drinking too much (partly because I’m feeling fun and social and going out more, but also I think in an attempt to slow myself down) and doing stupid things…falling over, falling out with people, sharing too many home truths – and waking up in the morning completely fine, no hangover, nothing, just carrying on with my day.

I don’t want to be worried. I don’t want to think because every time I do, the thought gets stuck in my head and goes round and round until I want to strangle it.

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4 Responses to "Should I be worried?"

I don’t think you should get too worried. But I am a little concerned. I don’t know anything really about cyclothymia, but your symptoms sound a little more serious to me than the not-as-serious-as-bipolar category that defines cyclothymia.

I am not sure if it is “normal” for people with cyclothymia to move from suicidial ideation into what I would consider in myself to be hypomanic behaviour.

It might be a good idea to visit a doctor, or psychiatrist?

Take care,
Sara

I don’t know, I went through a bit of a phase of thinking it was worse than cyclothymia (when I was diagnosed, I was simultaneously trying to get help and pretending there was nothing whatsoever wrong, so the people I spoke to never really knew about the times I was suicidal or the times I was completely out of control…mostly it was a diagnosis made on the fact that I was desperate for help but completely incapable of telling the people who were trying to help me anything that I thought they might find worrying), but for a long time lately I’ve been convincing myself that nothing is wrong and that everything I’ve ever experienced is within the realm of normal.

Seeing a doctor or psychiatrist is out of the question, so when I’m worried I’m mostly worried because the only person monitoring me is me, so I have to stay rational because for years now I’ve been holding my life together with willpower alone. It’s a relief to have some energy, anyway, but I’m aware this mood has a sharp edge to it, and I’m trying to be calm and stay at this level (trying to stay enthusiastic and lively and funny, trying to rein myself in when people are looking at me bewildered or telling me to stop behaving in certain ways).

Take care of yourself Laura, I’m worried your manic state will lead to a crash and burn )-: I agree with Sara that a visit to a doc is in order and your medication needs tweaking if you’re on any? We all need rest and relaxation, as fun as mania can seem :-/

Thanks for the advice. I know I’m like an insolent, ungrateful child, but I’m not able to take it.

I’m not taking any medication at the moment, or seeing anyone about it at all. I haven’t spoken to anyone about it in about 18 months, or taken any medication since about two years before that. As far as everybody’s concerned, it’s a problem of the past.

I know what you mean, I know it almost certainly won’t end well, but I am at least aware of how I’m feeling, and I’m trying to stay in control and not do too many things I’ll regret. Every day I’m feeling a little bit weirder, a little bit wilder, but I’m trying to be as normal as possible and that’s all I feel I can do.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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