Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Feeling sorry for myself again

Posted on: November 26, 2011

I’m becoming less and less sociable again, I can tell. I’m only speaking to people I know, face-to-face, at home or at work. I’m still leaving the house for other things, sometimes, but it’s always alone and silent.

One of the (many) problems with Facebook is that you get invitations to events, and you don’t know if you’re really invited, or if people have invited you by accident, or have just invited all their friends without thinking about who might turn up, or – this is a particular problem for me, I think – if they’ve invited you to seem polite, all the while knowing you won’t turn up, because you never turn up to anything.

My friend invited me to birthday drinks, and I – as always – chose the ‘maybe’ option. It means no, but it means I don’t get people trying to persuade me.

I texted him today, just to say happy birthday, and he replied, asking if I was coming out. I’m shit at reading people’s emotions, but it seemed like he was keen for me to go. But it was too late – only half an hour or so before they were due to meet, and I don’t think I’d want to go anyway.

It’s got to the point where, on the rare occasions when I actually see the people who, out of habit, I still call ‘best friends’, all I ever hear is, “oh my God, I haven’t seen you for ages” and “what’s going on in your life?” I know people mean well, but I don’t have an answer. It’s so fucking humiliating to always be admitting that nothing has changed, that I’m still in the same position I’ve been in for ages, that I am stagnating while everyone I grew up with has career trajectories and relationships and plans.

I’m doing nothing with my life, and I suppose that’s okay at 23, but time goes quickly, and already I feel like it’s too late to change anything. I know I’m not particularly successful, or reliable, or in any way anything special, but I feel like I am capable of more than I’m doing now. I’m treading water.

I’m not particularly happy at work…I’m happy with the atmosphere, and the people, I have a laugh most days, but I don’t feel like I’m doing anything. But feeling useless is better than applying for other jobs, because at least what I’m doing now is predictable. At least there’s not the terror of applications and interviews and meeting new people and all of that. I feel like there are so many things I could do, but there are far too many barriers.

I feel like I could move away from home, but again, there are so many things in my way. It sounds so fucking ridiculous, but I know that admitting to my parents that I want to move out would just cause endless trouble, and I wouldn’t be able to sort through the financial and legal stuff on my own. And even if I did move…I don’t really know if I’d cope.

I hate living here – all the shouting, insults, spitefulness, always being scared and having everything I say dismissed – but I have routine and I don’t know if I’d be able to recreate that on my own. I certainly couldn’t at uni – I didn’t have the discipline.

I suppose everything will just carry on the same, until I die or the world ends or something.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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