Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: November 11, 2011

My friend invited me, on Facebook, to his birthday party. He used to be one of my best friends, but I’ve seen him about three times in the past two years, and all of those times have involved me sort of looking away and being awkward and promising to spend more time together even though we both know I don’t mean it. I don’t know what to say. I’m so used to getting these event invites on Facebook and answering maybe and never going to anything.

I don’t want to be an awful person and a shit friend. I don’t want to be unreliable, or to look like I don’t want to spend time with anyone. But I can’t really believe that I’m really, properly invited. People probably only ask me to stuff because they don’t want to look mean but they know I never go anyway. I’m so scared of conversations I can’t predict, and I know that if they turn up, everyone will be surprised, and keep asking questions about my life, and I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t really have a life, as far as having hopes and dreams and meaningful relationships is concerned. I don’t want to be asked about myself. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want the attention or everybody looking at me and knowing that nothing has changed, through all these years.

I’ve been alright, mostly. Being talkative and funny and opinionated, doing my squeaky laugh and my high-pitched voice of outrage, acting like I care about nothing and no-one. But I can’t even begin to describe how painfully lonely I’ve been feeling. One of my friends from work has just sort of stopped speaking to me, and whilst logically I know he’s probably just busy with his own shit, I can’t help but see it as yet another not-so-subtle indication that I am terrible, I am hideous, I am not worth knowing.

I hate this time of year, because everyone always wants to go out and do stuff…all the Christmas parties and everything. And I don’t want to be unsociable, or lose whatever friends I have left, but I just want to hibernate. I can’t get rid of the feeling that I am all wrong, somehow, and the only way to fix that is to disappear.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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