Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Goodbye Courage

Posted on: October 27, 2011

Doubt is creeping in to everything I do. I’m starting to feel like shit.

I’m isolating as much as I can. Calling off plans with no real reason, turning down invitations. I was supposed to go out tonight, my friend asked me to text her with plans, but I haven’t been bothered, and she hasn’t contacted me, so that must mean she doesn’t really want to spend time with me anyway. It’s not like I have anything to say.

Wake up, go to work, speak as little as possible, go home, hide in my room, lie down and stare at walls. I just feel tired – and it’s not really the heavy-boned lethargy of anaemia, which I think is improving a lot lately, it’s just that my brain is empty. I don’t have any thoughts or ideas or anything worth doing.

I’ve become so meek and pathetic, always asking “are you sure?” whenever anyone wants to spend time with me.

Everything’s so pointless. I’m sort of rich. Not because I’m well-paid, but because my outgoings are practically zero. Last time I went to the bank, the woman there said, “do you want us to set up a savings account, to put some of that money in?” – but what’s the point? All that’d mean is I’d have slightly more money with which to do nothing.

What am I even doing with my life? I have nothing that matters. I just feel like crying and hiding my head under pillows and pretending I don’t exist. I’d like to be a better person but I don’t have the energy.

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2 Responses to "Goodbye Courage"

I feel the same.

I work a job, it doesn’t pay loads, yet I am sat on a load of money because I live with my parents. I only pay housekeeping: I’ve no bills to pay.

I’ve got no plan, nothing to spend my money on. No friends who’ll call me to go out.

I just sit in my room during my free time trying to distract myself with videogames and the internet. Thouroughly bored with life.

Your friend probably did want to spend time with you, or she wouldn’t have invited you. But if you turn down her invitations, she probably thinks that you don’t want to spend time with her (which is what I think when people turn me down).

I know you’re feeling awful and tired and terrible, and like no one will want to spend time with you and like everything is pointless, but if someone asks to spend time with you, you could at least go with them. The worst that can happen is that they do tell you that you’re boring. But maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll actually like you regardless of how many or little interesting stuff you’ve got to say. Also, I personally think that one of the points in life is interacting with others, so things might feel slightly less pointless if you don’t turn down all invitations. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you might want to try.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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