Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: October 15, 2011

I’m supposed to be going out tonight.

There’s no reason why I shouldn’t. Okay, so the anaemia’s got me feeling a bit like I might pass out most of the time, but I haven’t passed out, so that’s not an issue. And I’ve been happy and cheerful and energetic.

But I’m having quite bad anxiety about it. I don’t even really know why. I’m quite good at thinking up scenarios that make me panic –

  • I turn up and nobody’s there
  • I turn up and get drunk and embarass myself
  • I’ve only been invited so people can laugh at me
  • I wasn’t really invited at all, and have just accidentally leapt on the bandwagon
  • I feel awkward and out-of-place all night and nobody talks to me
  • I look fat and ugly and hideous
  • My increasingly combative attitude gets worse and I end up fighting with someone
  • I get emotional and cry
  • My twitchy, animated energy gets worse and people stop finding me funny

– but none of that is really the issue. I’m just scared, for no real reason. It’s not really new to me. I get this a lot, before nights out, and I don’t really know why – most of the time, I go and enjoy myself, and it turns out that acting like a weirdo and dancing like a moron aren’t reasons for all of your friends to disown you.

So I’m going to go. I have to overcome my fear of ordinary human interaction.

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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