Loopy, Lonely and Lost

Posted on: September 20, 2011

Sometimes I feel like my whole life is just a series of incremental crises…this is the worst. No, this is worse. Oh, look, another downturn.

It’s a year today since I started my job, and for the first time, I properly can’t be bothered going to work. I don’t care. I just want to lie in bed and not exist for a while, and if I get sacked, so what? I used to think that employment would offer me freedom, but – whilst it has provided a distraction – I’m as trapped now as I ever was.

I’d quit my job, I swear, and become a hermit, if I couldn’t remember what it was like to have everyone in my life harassing me about when I was going to get a job. As with so many things, I work because not working is just too much hassle.

Perhaps I’m depressed. I don’t really know. I’m supposed to be seeing the doctor again next week, about my blood tests, but I don’t want to go. Whatever they show, I’ve been an idiot, believing for a moment that exhaustion was anything other than in my head, mental weakness and a flawed, pathetic personality. How stupid of me to believe there could ever be anything wrong that couldn’t be fixed by being a better person.

I won’t tell him. I’m not admitting the crying, or the extreme irritability, or the fantasies of suicide. I can’t.

And I won’t give my mum the satisfaction. She’d fucking love it. She’d make it all about her, and tell me what a bad person I am, how unhappy my unhappiness makes her. She’d try to bully me into confiding in her, because she believes that depression only exists in people to whom terrible things have happened, and she’d shout and snipe and insult me when I had no tale of woe to offer.

I want – really quite badly – to die. And I don’t have a reason or an explanation or anything like that. I know that makes me a disappointment.

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2 Responses to ""

Hi, I just found you’re blog and I can identify with the issues you’re writing about…

Sometimes it’s better not to tell you’re family what’s going on, because their reactions can easily make you feel much worse: guilty, ashamed, self-loathing, and that’s not going to help anyone. But still, it’s also about their attitude, and it’s their job to change it, not yours. I just recently realized there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me as a person, I just happen to have bipolar disorder and other issues, which affect my behavior more or less significantly.

Even if you feel like you’re always going to be depressed, there will be better times ahead. I hope you feel better.

– Astralis

Laura, I have only started to read you, I know, but I can guarantee that you are not a bad person for feeling this way – not pathetic or weak, just not well and feeling a lot of pain. It’s not my place, but I think the things you are feeling are the very things you should be telling your doctor. This is serious stuff and somebody needs to be able to help you in some way. I completely relate to the situation with your Mum, though I am lucky and have more support now.

You do have a reason for those feelings, just maybe not an explanation yet. And maybe your doctor could help with that, I don’t know.

Just know you are not alone, and you have one listener who understands exactly where you are coming from.

Thinking of you,

Wingless

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Hello

My name is Laura. I was once told that I have cyclothymia. This blog is mostly where I write about living as a person with extremes and instability of mood, and the history of a life that led to the development of those symptoms.

I complain a lot, I'm very repetitive, unreliable, and I tend to contradict myself.

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